


Fading Points Of Light

by brasspetal



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bellamy PoV, Canon-Typical Violence, Depression, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Grief, Guilt, Longing, Lots of Angst, Mental Instability, Post-Canon, Sleep Deprivation, Survivors Guilt, The missing six years, with some Raven pov mixed in
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-03
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-11-08 09:23:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 24,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11078694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brasspetal/pseuds/brasspetal
Summary: Bellamy sits overlooking the burning Earth with a soldier’s grief.





	1. The Inferno

**Author's Note:**

> As a warning: This is going to be a dark fic. I took some liberties with this story and I wanted to write a realistic take on depression and how the missing six years might play out. Thanks for reading!

Bellamy sits overlooking the burning Earth with a soldier’s grief.

The more he looked at the flame devouring below, the more he started to believe that the fire could reach out and take him too. _From the ashes…_

 _She_ was the fire below and he thinks a small part of it trapped itself in his rib cage. His hands tremble and he clasps his palms to quell it.

He left her to become the inferno. _Alone._

The dark part of his heart thinks they should have burned together. _Together._ Wasn’t it how it was supposed to be? He’d take her into his arms for one last time. They’d turn to statues of ash, forever in that embrace.

What were they but fading points of light? Those stars Clarke was always looking up at with an old souls wonder.  He sees them now with perfect clarity. Those stars. Blazing suns with their own finite infernos.

She became a _star_. His star. Perhaps that made him Icarus. Even in his hubris the sun drew him ever inwards; always to be set aflame.

Bellamy thinks in finalities. There was no coming back from this. There was no going forward from this. He’s stagnate in his grief. There was a quiet responsibility that Raven gave him with such kindness but he didn’t want it. He didn’t deserve it. _She_ was gone.

This room was gray, and his only source of light was below.  Her star would burn in front of him forever, even when the fire has finally burned itself away. He’d always see the reflection of it in his eyes.

He hopes that through the years in this metal tomb he’d eventually lose his mind. Maybe then he’d see her again. She could draw him a lament. Madness was something he now looked forward to.

He didn’t know how long he had been in this room but he knew the others were concerned. He saw the way they looked at him, as if grief were somehow contagious. He had put himself in quarantine.

He didn’t want to see their disappointment and their trust in him dwindle.

There was a knock on the observation room door and he said nothing as a response.

“Bellamy.” Raven says through the muffled metal.

He closes his eyes as a tear rolls down his cheekbone and escapes from his chin. Raven would tell him what Clarke would want for him and she’d be right but he couldn’t hear it. He didn’t want to listen to it.

She bangs on the door again and he thinks on stars, wristbands and never saying quite enough. It would always be that way, wouldn’t it? He should have told her. He should have told her that he traced his heart in her smile. He should have told her that she was necessary to his existence.  He should have made her believe that you can’t have one without the other. The heart and the head.

Raven had gone. There was that silence again. He thinks eventually their concern would dull and they’d forget he was even here. It would be easier for everyone. Raven was meant for this. Not him. Not without her.

Bellamy wept towards the fire; her star. He whispers everything he should have said to the glass. He hopes that one day soon his mind would crack open and she would be standing here with him, overlooking the vast emptiness of the infinite.

\--

Raven knocked on the metal door once more but didn’t receive an answer. Murphy saunters by, throwing a glance at Raven.

“He won’t come out and he won’t eat.” Raven says to him.

Murphy turns back to her with a shake of his head, “Well, I’m not going to help you force feed him if that’s what you’re asking.”

Raven glares at him and Murphy shrugs before disappearing into the corridor beyond.

Raven was good at fixing things… _things_. Not people.

She understands that vast pit of loneliness that Bellamy has fallen into. She understands. She also knows that they don’t have the luxury to lock themselves away. They had to keep this place maintained. They had to survive. Clarke would know this most of all.

She was gone and it left a gaping hole but they _could_ do this. They had the means to pull through this and find their place again. She chose to survive and she wants that to mean something.

She slams her fist to the metal door, hoping that it startles him out of his reverie.

“If you want to waste away in that observation room…I’m not going to stop you but you’re the one that convinced me this was worth it. So, prove it. Prove to me that this all means something.”

Raven steps back and stares at the door, knowing it wouldn’t open.

She knew that Bellamy was the only one that could pull himself out of this. Clarke wasn’t coming to rescue them. This was _it_.  

She’d take it and like clay, she’d shape this small chance into something meaningful. They’d get to go home again. He would either open that door and join them or stay in that head of his.

This was their future and she’d be damned if she was going to let it slip through her fingers now.

She turns then on a small sigh and stops when she hears the creaking of the metal door, opening.

She doesn’t turn to look at him, afraid it would spook him back into the abyss again.

“Are you ready to join the living?” She asks.


	2. Static

No one understands how freezing space actually is. The chill was indescribable and it reaches deep into the bone. No one understands until they are resting in that dark vacuum.

Bellamy sits in the comms room with his eye on the radio, as if he could will it to come to life. His eyes are drooping, he was exhausted. He couldn’t remember the last time he slept.

“Still having your pity party?” He hears from the doorway.

_Murphy._

The old Bellamy might have lashed out but he just sits there and closes his eyes.

Murphy sighs and Bellamy can tell he's disappointed. He wanted a fight and Bellamy didn’t have the energy to give him one.

“Look…I’m sorry Clarke’s…ya know….” Murphy says, non-committal.

“Did Raven send you here?” Bellamy speaks and his voice is rough from disuse.

Murphy laughs bitterly, “I’ll tell her you haven’t offed yourself yet.”

He leaves him then and the silence creeps back in. Bellamy finds sleep not long after. There’s a blissful moment between slumber and wakefulness that he forgets. He forgets about the burning Earth and the person he left behind. He’s not anything in that moment. He’s just in darkness, unaware, alive and breathing.

It’s the crackling that wakes him. It takes him a moment for his body to adjust, to remember. The memory hits him like a hot iron to the chest. His heart leaps when hears it again.

The crackling was coming from the radio, as if it’s sparking to life. Bellamy sits up quick, dizzy from the effort. He hadn’t eaten properly in quite some time. He grips the receiver and says, “Hello…can you hear me?”

Silence.

“Hello…is anyone there?” Bellamy asks and that little bit of hope starts to die away.

There's the nothing, not even the crackling.

“Can you hear me?” He tries again and he feels weak, as if he’s barely holding himself together. There's a moment when he has to slow his breathing down. He's going to collapse.

“Is anyone there?!” He attempts again. “CAN YOU HEAR ME?” He moves to stand up and his legs give out. He falls forward unceremoniously, passing out.

\--

The dread of waking up again pulls at him but he has no choice but to open his eyes. He blinks awake and above him is Raven. She looked terrifyingly angry. Her shoulders were tense and her brows crease together. “I can’t keep doing this with you, Bellamy.”

“I know.” Bellamy replies, swallowing. He can feel sweat trickling down his neck.  He’s clammy.

“If you don’t eat or sleep, you are going to die. _That_ is on you.” Raven replies and steps out of his view. Bellamy takes a moment to gain a sense of his surroundings and forces himself to sit up. His bones ached, his thoughts were crooked.  They're like a picture frame on the wall that can never be centered. 

Later, he does eat. The others are standing in the background pretending they're paying no mind, but he can tell they're tiptoeing around him, like he was made of glass. He chews slowly and he eyes Murphy, who glances in his direction from across the room.

What they didn’t understand was how he failed her and how that fact was what was slowly killing him.

_That fact._

He closes his eyes, sitting there silently and he could feel their gazes on him now more than ever. He’s losing it and they’re wondering if he’s a liability. He didn’t even know the answer to that himself.

\--

Back in the comms room, the deafening silence is broken again by the crackling from the radio. Bellamy sits up slowly this time and grabs the receiver.

“Hello? Can you hear me?” He tries.

It crackles once more before he starts to hear a faint voice beneath the static. He gets up from the chair, moving closer to the radio.  It’s short bursts of noise and _something_ familiar.

Maybe he had finally lost it because he thinks he hears her voice, _Clarke’s voice_ , but he can’t make out what she’s saying.

“Clarke? Can you hear me?”

There’s a sigh from behind him, “Bellamy.” It startles him and he turns to see Raven. She’s watching him with cautious sadness.

“I heard something from the radio…it sounded like a voice.” Bellamy explains and Raven tilts her head at him before walking over to stand beside him.

She indulges him and they stand there in silence. Bellamy musters the last bit of strength within him to keep himself upright.

“I don’t think—“ Raven begins but stops when the crackling starts again.

They stand there stalk-still. The crackling begins to form that voice again. _Her_ voice.

“Do you hear it?” Bellamy asks with a delirious smile. Raven looks at him as if he’s grown an extra head.

Then out of the static. _“Bel—lamy.”_

Both Raven and Bellamy turn to each other wide-eyed. “Tell me you heard that.” Bellamy says, quietly.

He was hanging by a thread, a tiny thread.

Raven blinks and then nods. Bellamy smiles again but it doesn’t align properly with his tired features.

“Clarke? Clarke…can you hear me?” Bellamy repeats into the receiver.

Her garbled voice continues to crackle but she couldn’t hear him.

He tries many times after that, for hours, days, weeks but she can’t hear a word he says. He could hear her though, barely. Every so often, he can make out a word or two and that was more than enough. She wasn’t lost in the inferno, she was surviving. He doesn’t know why he ever doubted that.

Bellamy picks up the receiver and says, “You’re not alone, Clarke.”

The static doesn’t answer back.   


	3. A Solution

Bellamy rests his bare feet on the chilled floor beneath his bed.  There’s a thrumming in his veins, keeping him awake. He sets his head in his hands, running his fingers through his unruly hair. It’s getting too long but he didn’t much care.

He had moved what little he had into the comms room. Monty was the one that suggested it since Bellamy never seemed to leave. It afforded him the rare comfort of sleep when the radio refused to crackle.

All is silent now though. This room is becoming that small ray of hope they are all starving for. He knows that if they could find a way to communicate with Clarke, then they could find a way to communicate with the bunker as well.

The two people that mattered most to Bellamy in this world are trapped below, wrapped in the blaze. He hated being useless to their plight, he hated that he couldn’t help protect them. He chose to leave them behind.

_He left her behind._

Bellamy walks out into the quiet hallway. The gentle hum of the Ark is a strange comfort. He had never spent much time in The Ring when he originally lived here but times have changed. There’s something cold and clinical about it. Factory station had its dings but that gave it character. This place was devoid of that. There’s a large window up ahead which gives him a view of the stars beyond and the dark matter that surrounds them. He had spent too much time looking at stars and creating stories when there is none. He had told O all about those tiny blazing dots but that was for dreamers.

He knows the others are gathered in the make-shift mess hall. He can hear them faintly speaking to one another. It’s dreamlike, like their echoes are imagined. They float around in his skull for a moment, before he works up the will to face them. He turns away from the window. Once inside the mess hall, all conversation ceases, as if someone turned off a switch. He doesn’t look at them, he just grabs a bit of rations for himself before sitting down, alone.

It’s Monty that joins him a moment later, “So…what’s going on?”

“I’m eating.” Bellamy supplies with a small tired smile. Monty tries to give him one back. 

“I can see that. You doing okay?”

“I’m fine, Monty.” Bellamy states as he chews. He looks over at the other table and catches Raven’s eye.

He wasn’t fine but he knows, more often than not, people only ask about your well being because they want the easy answer, not the truth. He can’t blame them. It’s just the way things are.

“I’d ask you to help me get the algae farm up and running but I never took you for a green thumb kind of guy.” Monty says and fidgets before glancing back at the others.

“You’d be right. I’d do more harm than good.” Bellamy finishes off another bite of food. He isn’t hungry but he’s on autopilot.

“We’re worried about you, Bellamy.” Monty says.

“Tell Raven I’ll help her get the command center up and running if she needs me.”

He’s sweating. The others keep looking back at him and Monty is giving him that pitying expression. It’s Bellamy who stands from the table and leaves the room. There's peace to be found back out in the silent hallway.

After everything they’ve been through, he can’t lose it now. He can’t afford to. Clarke is alive. He _can’t_ crack to pieces.

Five years though… _five_ years too many. All that time, scattered. 

He had his eyes closed when he hears, “ _Bellamy.”_ His heart leaps into his throat. It sounded like…

When he opens his eyes, Raven is standing in front of him and he schools his face. “What’s going on?” He blinks at her and the pit of growing dread doesn’t lessen.

“I need you to do something. I’m trusting you can handle it.” She says, slowly.

“What do you need?” The stoicism has never fooled Raven, not for a second.

“There’s an auxiliary communications antenna that is damaged on the underside of the ring. If we were to get it working, we could communicate back to Earth. Maybe even to the bunker and to Clarke.” She’s looking at him, waiting for his reaction. This is really all that he needed to hear. He gives her a slow smile. “You think we can get it to work?” He asks and Raven gives him one back. Her confidence has never failed them. 

“I’ll talk you through it, if you’re willing to go out there.”

Bellamy shakes his head, “You don’t even have to ask.”

“On one condition. You sleep tonight. I can’t have you passing out and floating away into space.” Raven says and she has that intense way of looking straight into him. She could pluck apart his thoughts if she wanted to.

“You got it.” Bellamy replies, “Am I going alone?”

“No. I’m going to send Murphy with you.” She smirks and walks away towards the command center.

“Wonderful…” Bellamy exhales.

\--

There is no daylight here. It’s perpetually night.  It’s something Bellamy should be used to, since he grew up in space but Earth had a way of forcing a routine. They had to time themselves appropriately to feign Earth hours. It’s one of the many reasons that sleep is often so fleeting.

The crackling of the radio begins before he even lies down.  It had been silent for most of the ‘day’ and he was trying not to worry. He has to strain his ears to hear her but she’s talking about finding shelter for the night. She seems winded, as if she’s been running. Clarke doesn’t spook easily though. It's always been hard to tell how bad the situation actually was with her.  

He picks up the receiver and presses his lips together before saying, “We’ll be able to talk soon. I promise.”

Her voice breaks up into static for a few seconds before clearing again.  

He falls to sleep in an uncomfortable position in the chair, listening to her chatter on about keeping a proper inventory of her rations.

\--

Luckily, Monty found extra oxygen tanks for their suits but as with everything, they had to be used sparingly. Raven is demonstrating how they have to practice their breathing, in order to maintain minimal oxygen consumption. Slow, calm and steady.

“Wow, who’d a thought? Now I know how to breathe. Thank you.” Murphy comments derisively and Raven shakes her head.

They slip their helmets on snugly, sucking all the sound out with it. Bellamy could go his whole life without wearing another spacesuit but nothing could keep him from doing this. Clarke needed to know she wasn’t alone and that her fight meant something.

Raven and Monty check over their suits one more time before they enter the airlock. Bellamy stands silently facing the large door as Raven depressurizes the room.

“You both okay?” She asks through comms.

“No.” Murphy says and Bellamy glances at him with a quirk of his brow.

Raven sighs with exasperation, “What, Murphy?”

“I think I’ve forgotten how to breathe already.” Murphy adds and Bellamy tries to hide a small smile that forms on his face.

“This isn’t funny. You both need to focus.” Raven replies.

“We doing this or not?” Murphy comments, impatient.

She opens the large door abruptly out into space without much warning and it almost sends Bellamy off balance. Angering Raven was always a dangerous business.

“Shit…” Murphy breathes and grabs hold of the nearest protruding bar beside the open airlock door.

“Nice and slow you two.” Raven says and Bellamy takes a calming breath before exiting the room out into that dark vacuum.

They both latch onto the side and begin their slow descent to the underside of the ring.  Around them were infinite stars and the only sound their controlled breathing. This had to work.

It _had_ to.


	4. The Antenna

There’s something alluring about the darkness of space. Something animal, and aware. Much like the abyss, the immensity of it wrapped itself inside Bellamy long ago. He carried it with him, heavy shouldered, ever since.

“Earth to Bellamy!” Murphy prods and Bellamy snaps his eyes forward to the large ring like structure beneath them.

“What?” Bellamy replies, irritated. 

“Did you not hear me calling you?” Murphy asks.

“I heard you fine.”

Bellamy moves, grabbing onto one of the metal rungs that leads them to the antenna.

“Choosing to ignore me then?” Murphy adds. Bellamy can feel sweat collecting in the hollow of his throat. The spacesuit is unbearable.   

Raven crackles over their comms, “Almost there?”

“Almost, there’s a lot of rungs.” Bellamy replies and she sighs, “just take it easy on the breathing. Nice and slow. You are burning through your O2 a little faster than you should be.”

Bellamy takes a slow deep breath to calm his heart and slowly releases it. “Alright…”

Murphy is already ahead of him and he can finally see the antenna. “I can see it, Raven.” Bellamy reports.

“Good. Murphy still alive?” She asks, begrudgingly.

“Yep. Fraid’ so.” Bellamy replies before moving further towards the center of the bottom of the ring. There’s something about this whole thing that left him uneasy but maybe it’s just the void of space itself that’s making him paranoid.

Murphy reaches the antenna first and impatiently adds, “Go any slower and five years will be up and we won’t need to do this.”

Bellamy doesn’t bother with a retort and it seems to disappoint Murphy but he still manages to throw a smirk his way once he reaches him.

“We’re here, Raven.” Bellamy reports.

There’s silence.

“Raven?” Bellamy attempts to hit his helmet as if that would help.

There’s static and then “see…..box….the...ant—“

“Sorry Raven, we can’t hear you, the connection is bad.” Bellamy adds and looks to Murphy who shrugs.

Bellamy notices a small square white box below the antenna and he guesses that’s what Raven meant. He bends down, blinking away the sweat from his eyelashes. He uses the mini screwdriver they brought with them to remove the white panel. He slowly lifts the lid and hands it to Murphy.

“We have the panel open, Raven. Can you hear me?” Bellamy tries.

There’s nothing, not even static.

“Dammit…Raven? Can you hear me?”

“Well, this is fantastic.” Murphy unhelpfully replies.

“Maybe there’s something blocking the frequency?” Bellamy quietly says, more to himself than to anyone.

There’s static again and then the line comes through clear, “Hey, you hear me?”

“Yeah, we hear you, what happened?” Bellamy asks. A bead of sweat runs down the side of his face. He feels like he’s cooking from the inside out.

“I’m restoring power in other sections of the ring and I’m guessing something interfered with the signal but we’re back now.” Raven says and Bellamy bends down towards the exposed panel.

“I got the panel open, the white box below the antenna.”

“Good. I’m…..shit.” Raven breathes and the sound of a muffled alarm comes over their comms.

“What? Raven?!”

There’s a sudden violent jolt that sends Bellamy and Murphy off balance. Bellamy slams into the bottom of the ring and Murphy is flung forward towards space. “MURPHY!” Bellamy screams.

The sound of crushing, contracting metal, resounds from above them as if something slammed into the ring. Bellamy quickly moves forward, further down away from the antenna to reach a free-floating Murphy.

“GET BACK TO THE AIRLOCK NOW!” Raven yells and a static screech rips through his ears. He can hear Murphy yelling his name from afar. Bellamy moves fast, hugging the ring, as he makes his way towards Murphy. There’s another loud crash of bending metal from above and the ring shakes. It sounds like it’s tearing apart. He pushes up from metal ground, and uses the momentum to force himself forward, straight towards Murphy.

“BEL—MY” He hears crackle over the comms.

“Murphy is free floating, Raven! I can’t get back to the airlock!” Bellamy tries, his breathing is erratic, he knows he’s blowing through his O2.  
“THER----FIRE IN….” The comms crackles out again.

“GODDAMMIT!” Bellamy screams and quickly grips onto the nearest rung before he's flung into space himself.  He grabs the tether belt on his suit and pulls it forward before pushing himself off the rung again, gaining on Murphy. They’re running out of time and getting too close to the edge of the ring.

He’s close enough to hear Murphy scream a set of expletives at him. Bellamy grips onto another smaller rung and uses his tether on his belt to latch onto Murphy’s. The force of it sends them crashing into each other. Bellamy kept his grip on the rung, luckily, and he pulls them back towards the direction of the airlock.

Getting this antenna working meant everything to Bellamy but he couldn’t think about that now. He had to get back and assess the damage.

“I almost got floated!” Murphy yells into his comms. They were moving in tandem now, tethered to one another.

“You’re welcome.” Bellamy breathes.

Murphy bumps into him, “What the hell happened?”

“Raven? We are headed back now. Can you hear me?” Bellamy asks.

There’s just static.

Murphy fiddles with the tether before gripping onto another rung, “Did something hit us?”

“I don’t know. Raven said something about a fire.” Bellamy says. They’re taking too long. He’d suspect their O2 is running low. He grabs the nearest rung and pushes off from it, eliciting a yell from Murphy when he’s pulled along with him.

They pass by the antennae and Bellamy avoids glancing at it. He hopes they’d be able to get back out here again. He’d do everything in his power to fix it.

“Clarke’s fine. We’ll be down there in no time, even if we don’t get that piece of shit to work.” Murphy says, oddly reassuring.

“Raven? You there?” Bellamy tries and there’s no answer.

They finally reach the open airlock and climb inside. They float forward and collide with the wall, uncoordinated. With a grunt, Bellamy reaches for the seal for the door, pulling it.

“We’re in the airlock! Can you hear me?”

The large door shuts behind them and static pours from their comms. Bellamy breathes slow, trying to conserve the O2 he has left but it's Murphy’s O2 tank that begins to beep.

“Raven!” Bellamy yells.

“If I didn’t suffocate out there, I’m going to suffocate in here. Good job.” Murphy supplies.

Bellamy bangs on the door with his fist. The door beeps and then they are immediately slammed into the floor from the pressurization.

Bellamy’s vision is blurred, he’s disorientated. He hears the doors open and Monty appears above him. He’s yelling but Bellamy couldn’t hear him. The sound has evaporated. Monty grabs his shoulders and begins dragging Bellamy from the airlock into the hallway. Harper is beside him and she pulls the helmet off of Bellamy’s head. He gulps in the air. He turns and coughs against the cold metal floor. His hair is stuck to his sweaty forehead.

The sound comes rushing back. “It was one of the dead antennas that crashed into the ring. Raven thinks an explosion was caused from restoring the power.” Monty says.

Bellamy sits up, dizzy and delirious. “An antenna?!” He grips onto Monty’s shoulders. He could feel the desperation spiraling out of his throat.

“It’s not connected to the main comms. As I said this one was dead from the start.” Monty reassures and Bellamy breathes.

“Well that was fun.” Murphy says, muffled from his rumpled spacesuit.


	5. Never Enough

Bellamy dreams of tall overgrown fields, stretching out towards the muted horizon. The wisps of grass are a gentle caress as he passes through. He’s had this dream before and Clarke is usually there watching over the trees like a sentinel. She wasn’t this time. He’s alone. The sky is gray and dark clouds loom in the periphery.

“Clarke!” He calls. There’s a rustling sound beyond but no answers. He runs through the field of growing sinister shadows and as he’s about to reach the tree line, he wakes up.

“Hey…” The word is spoken softly and he blinks against the bright light above him. Raven comes into view.

“You were having a nightmare.” She says and he sits up with a cringe. His head is a dead weight. The world is too bright around him. He can’t focus properly.

“Whoa, take it easy.” She warns and sets her hand on his shoulder. He pushes up from the metal bed and walks towards the doorway. “Bellamy!” She calls after him.

He had a horrible feeling in his gut and it felt like it could pull him apart from the inside. He passes Emori in the hallway and steps inside the comms room. Monty is in one of the uncomfortable chairs and he sits up when he notices Bellamy.

“You…don’t look so good, Bellamy.” Monty says, studying him.

"I’m fine. How long has it been since she’s contacted us?”

Monty squints, “I assume you were the last one to hear her.”

“She should have contacted us by now. She does it at least once a day.” Bellamy replies and he hears Raven’s footfalls behind him. He turns to face her before she could lecture him. “I need to get that antenna working.”

“Clarke knows how to take care of herself, I can’t say the same about you though.” Raven comments and Bellamy shakes his head.

She continues, “We are running low on O2 tanks as it is. Right now, it’s best we assess the damage in the sectors I haven't blocked off. I want to make sure we don’t blow up, is that okay with you?”

“I don’t need to use a new tank. I had some O2 left in mine.” His words ring hollow.

“Not nearly enough and you know it.”

Bellamy presses his lips together and breaks eye contact. He concentrates on the scuff marks on the floor. He won’t let Clarke down. Not again. Not this time.   

“What do you need from me?” He asks.

“I need you to come with me and make sure there aren’t any surprises from that damaged antenna.”

Bellamy looks to Monty who nods at him, “I’ll be here.”

“Thank you, Monty.”

\--

Bellamy felt disconnected, as if someone had pulled the plug and he’s slowly draining. None of it felt real and for a moment he wondered if he’s still dreaming. Raven snaps her fingers in front of him and he blinks at her.

“You with me?” She asks and they are standing in a quiet lab that hasn’t been used since they left the Ark.

“Yeah, think anything important is damaged?” Bellamy dismisses the concern.

“We can’t afford there to be.” Raven moves ahead of him. She stands in front of a pressurized door that slides open halfway and jams. She’s sighs and shimmies through the opening. Bellamy follows slowly after her into a flickering hallway.

“I think I have enough O2 left in my tank for another try.” Bellamy harps.

“Not gonna happen. You would barely get your foot out of the door.” She replies.

“All you would have to do is talk me through it.”

She turns then, irritated. “Bellamy? I doubt Clarke would want you to suffocate and I sure as hell wouldn’t want you to either.”

“You said this antenna could also provide a way to communicate with the bunker. Isn’t that important?” Bellamy tries and Raven shakes her head at him.

“It’s important that—“ Bellamy begins but Raven interrupts, “Clarke is fine and Octavia is fine. I’m sorry but that in itself is a luxury to know. These five years are going to be hell if you continue to obsess over it. We can’t risk it or you. I’m sorry I asked you and Murphy to go out there in the first place.”

Bellamy stands there, clenching his jaw in frustration. She wouldn’t be convinced. He had to find another way. If it meant learning to repair the goddamn antenna himself, he would find a way.

“I know what you’re thinking, Bellamy. Think about us, here and now. Do what you have to do to accept it.” She continues as if she could read his mind. It unnerves him but he shouldn’t be surprised.

There’s a crackling sound in the next storage room that draws their attention. A live wire is shredded and snapping at them from the wall but it wasn’t anything that couldn’t be taken care of. The damage in this sector wasn’t extensive. It’s survivable, they’d survive. The sector that had taken the brunt of the damage had been sealed off and it’s only accessible by spacesuit.  

On their quiet walk back Bellamy offers to check over a small storage space they had yet to search. Raven remains in the flickering hallway. He’s quick about it, until he opens up one of the bottom dusty cabinets. There, stored neatly inside, are three more full O2 tanks.  He stands there as still as a statue, staring at them. _His hope, their hope._ He knew Raven would want to store them with the rest in case they were needed. It’s the logical thing to do.

“Everything okay?” Raven calls.

“It’s fine.” Bellamy begins and swallows. He shuts the cabinet door, “Nothing here.”

\--

Once they’re back in the main sector, Bellamy walks to the comms room. Monty greets him with a small wave but his expression falters when he notices Bellamy approaching him.

Bellamy glances to the doorway to make sure they’re alone and then gives Monty his full attention. “Can you help me with something?”

“Uh…what is it?” Monty asks with growing suspicion.

Bellamy whispers, “Can you help me repair an antenna?”

“What?!”

“The auxiliary communications antenna.”

Monty’s expression hardens. “Raven said..” He starts. Bellamy continues, “I know what Raven said, Monty. I’m asking _you_.”

“We don’t have many O2 tanks to spare.” Monty replies and Bellamy steps back crossing his arms silently and Monty doesn’t take long to pick up on it.

“You’ve found more? And let me guess..you haven’t told Raven.” Monty says on a sigh and looks back, absently to the comms radio. Which is silent from static.

“Can you help me?” Bellamy asks.

“I think you should talk to Raven.” Monty supplies and Bellamy shakes his head in irritation. 

“Since when is Raven the authority around here?”

“Since she’s the only one thinking rationally.” Monty jabs and Bellamy steps back as if he’s been hit.  A few moments of silence passes them by and Bellamy slumps onto his make-shift bed. Which is the most uncomfortable bed he’s ever slept on.

“Please, Monty. I’m asking you to help me here. To help our friends stuck on Earth that we had to leave behind.” Bellamy pleads, sincerely.  

Monty shakes his head, sighing loudly. “Look….I know—“

Bellamy holds up his hand and interrupts, “I don’t need a lecture. I just need your help.”

The radio crackles almost on cue and Clarke’s panicked voice comes over the comms. “……caught….trap…trying….free.” They can barely hear her but they understand the gist of it. "....leg....caught." The static crescendos. 

“She’s trapped.” Bellamy breathes and stands.

“Shit….but it’s not like you can fly down to Earth to help her.” Monty says.

“I need to talk to her. If you won’t help me then I’ll figure out a way to do it myself.” Anger is boiling up from his chest, he didn't have time.

Monty sighs, “Dammit….”

“Is that a yes?”

“I can’t believe I’m going to do this.” Monty grits.

Bellamy would like to pretend he’s thinking of the future, that he’s thinking about coordinating locations of where they could all meet up safely in five years. He could pretend he’s doing it for good of the many, instead of the good of the few. Deep down, he needed Clarke to know she wasn’t alone. He needed to give her a reason to keep fighting. He needed to tell his sister it’s worth it, he needed to tell her about the stars just one more time.

Like all things though, there’s _never_ enough time.  They always think they are going to have forever until forever runs out.


	6. Fragile

In the silence, when everyone else sleeps, Bellamy lies awake. He concentrates on the metal walls that encapsulate him like a prison. They are all so fragile and finite. It’s hard to imagine what the future holds. Clarke hasn't reported back since she had been caught in a trap. There is nothing but silence.

He sits up on a sigh, catching his shadow from across the room. His hair is a mess, more mad scientist than tame. He hadn’t taken care of himself properly since they arrived. He’s never been good at that. There’s a knock on his door and he wondered if that’s Monty, if he’s ready to get started.

Bellamy clears his throat, “Come in.”

Raven steps inside then and he sits up a little straighter.

“I figured you wouldn’t be sleeping. Monty told me.” She says it calmly...with sympathy?

Bellamy’s heart is racing, “Told you what?” He isn’t focused and aware enough for this conversation.

“About Clarke. She hasn’t reported back yet?” Raven asks and he breathes a small sigh of relief.

“No, she hasn’t.” Is all Bellamy can manage.

“You know Clarke. She’s resourceful.”

Bellamy nods, “Yeah…she is.”

She’s looking at him like she wants to say something.  It’s an awkward few minutes of silence. He runs his fingers through his hair to tame the tangles there.

“I think we should put it to a vote. It shouldn’t be me that just decides this. Everyone should vote whether we use an O2 tank to repair the antenna. What do you think?” She asks him and crosses her arms.

Bellamy tries to force a smile and she cringes a little at his effort. “Thank you, Raven.”

She nods and taps the wall with the palm of her hand as she leaves. She stops in the doorway and turns on her heel to him again. “Harper is good with cutting hair.”

“It’s that bad?” He asks and she smiles at him with a shrug before finally leaving. He turns back to the silent radio and says, “You better be okay.”

\--

Bellamy sits with the six others at the cold metal table. He hadn’t talked to many of them since they arrived here and they all look at him with a nervous energy, except Murphy and emori. They looked exceptionally bored but he would guess that’s just their factory setting.

Raven stands up from the table and says, “You know why you’re here. So, all in favor of this?”

Bellamy expected it. The lack of hands in his favor. He raises his hand against his chest resolute and the only other person that does is Monty. No one else. Echo looks quietly confused. Harper sat with her head pointed down towards the floor.

Murphy speaks up, “We tried it once already. It was a bust, so no.”

“If it was you down there, I’d still be voting in favor.” Bellamy replies.

Murphy smirks and stretches in his chair, “Wasting oxygen so you can call your girlfriend doesn’t seem practical but that’s just me.”

Bellamy suddenly wanted to rip the smirk off of his face. He stood from his chair, scraping it uncomfortably loud against the floor and leaves.

Raven catches up to him as he suspected she would and they stand in the doorway to the comms room.

“I’m sorry.” She says and Bellamy waves her words away, walking from her. He didn’t want to hear it. He sits in the chair in front of the comms radio and glares at the receiver. Her footfalls fade away in the background. There’s a delirious nervousness to his heartbeat.

When everyone saunters off into their own corners of the ship to sleep, Monty comes knocking on his door.

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

“More than anything.” He means it with unwavering conviction.

The ark is as silent as a tomb, which made getting the hidden O2 tank fairly easy. His hands wouldn’t stop shaking though and he had to hide it from Monty. He’s more nervous about this not working than suffocating in space. That’s nothing new though. This is routine.

\--

Bellamy watches Monty through the airlock window, suited up and ready to go. Monty is blatantly nervous and mouths the words ‘Be Careful’ before he heads for the command center. 

The room begins to depressurize and Bellamy takes a slow deep breath. He thinks on the promises he’s made and what’s owed. He owed this to them. To all of them below. Isn’t this about staying _together_?

He imagines the surprise in Clarke’s voice once he’s able to talk with her and hopefully the relief that follows.

_You’re not alone. You’re never alone._

His heart quickens as the doors open up to the wide expanse of space.

“Do you hear me?” Monty asks.

“You’re clear.”

His stomach never fails to leap into his throat once he leaves the confines of the airlock. The vastness that surrounds them isn’t perceivable, not even time could really touch it. He finds the rungs and climbs towards the bottom of the ring. He’s dangling in the black as if he’s bait for a creature made of stars.

There’s debris floating aimlessly from the crashed dead antenna above. Pieces of metal spin sideways, a little too close for comfort.

He spots the antenna then, like a beacon, surrounded in debris. They’re lucky something didn’t smash it to pieces. It looked so fragile.

“I’m almost there.” He comments and reaches for the nearest rung.

“Keep it up, Bellamy.” Monty encourages.

The walk to the antenna is a long one. He’s sweating too much and the suit is far too bulky. He felt a little too dizzy and disconnected for this to be safe but he kept his eyes on that precious antenna.

“Might want to slow down your breathing a bit.” Monty comments.

“Okay, thanks.” Bellamy says and closes his eyes tightly for a moment, calming his heart.

He ducks under a piece of sharp metal that is slowly floating by and makes it to the antenna.

“I’m here, at the open panel.” Bellamy replies.

\--

Raven isn’t much for sleeping. She’s never had a good relationship with it. If such a thing were possible, she’d just not sleep at all. It’s pretty damn annoying. It gets in the way of too many things and wastes too much time.

She stands from her bed, pulling her hair back in a tie. Something is making her nervous or keeping her from calming down.

She leaves her cold room, hugging her arms and passes by the algae farm where Monty is making good progress. They wouldn’t have to worry so much once they got that up and running properly. She thinks of Bellamy who also had an estranged relationship with sleep and she passes by the closed comms room door.

If she’s being honest she’s worried about him, more so than usual. He’s never handled being apart from Clarke well and he’s always been irritatingly stubborn but she isn’t one to talk. She stops her feet and thinks about knocking on the comms room door but she can’t be his babysitter. He had to choose to take care of himself, no one else could make that choice for him.

She walks on and yawns as she enters the command center. She spots a panicked Monty shut off a screen, as if he’s been caught. Monty was never good at lying or hiding.

“What’s going on?” Raven asks and slowly approaches him. Monty looks spooked and he’s sweating which is strange in the cold room. He’s like a frightened animal and Raven finds it a little amusing.

“N-nothing. Just going over diagnostics. I couldn’t sleep.”

Raven tilts her head at him and Monty doesn’t meet her eyes.

“What’s wrong with you?” Raven asks and now the achy tiredness she felt before was forgotten.

“Nothing…I’m…I have insomnia. I needed a break from the algae farm. The lights were giving me a headache.” Monty supplies and finally meets her eyes but they’re hooded. She didn’t even need to be a good bullshit detector to know something is wrong.

“Monty? If something is wrong I need to know.” Raven replies.

“Nothing is wrong, Raven.” He says and there’s a squeaky crackle over one of the receivers. Raven moves closer to him and he flinches.

“What the hell is going on? Are you talking to someone?”

Monty just looks at her but says nothing in response. She stands there in the dead silence, neither of them making a move.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me.” It dawns on her and she steps back. The rage is bubbling up in her throat. She wants to scream.

“Raven..” Monty tries and Raven storms out of the room. She stalks down the long cold hallway and shoves the comms room door open to find it empty, as she suspected. His small bed is unmade. The radio is silent.

He actually did it. He went out to fix the antenna and Monty is helping him. Shouldn’t she have expected this? It’s Bellamy after all. He’s always been emotional about his decisions. Most especially, when it came to Clarke or his sister.

She jogs back towards the command center and Monty wasn’t even trying to hide it anymore. The monitor is on, which gave her a view of Bellamy’s O2 consumption.

“Bellamy used a full tank of O2? And you let him?” Raven practically snarls at Monty.  

“I understand you’re upset, Raven. I do, but right now we are on borrowed time and I need to talk him through this.” Monty pleads.

“Unbelievable. He’s gone off the deep end and he’s wasting our O2 with it. This can’t happen.” Raven replies.

“Well it did and he’s going to fix the antenna. We are going to be able to talk to our people on Earth.” Monty’s fear is fading into something that resembled determination. He actually believed it, like Bellamy did.

Raven grabs the receiver from him and says, “I hope you’re happy Bellamy.”

There’s silence at first then a crackle.

“Raven…I had to do this. This is important. Once we get this working, you’ll understand.” 

Raven looks to Monty with the shake of her head, “Move.”

“What?” Monty asks in confusion.

“Move out of the goddamn chair.”

Monty scrambles, moving out of the way as Raven takes his place. “Is the panel open?”

Since the O2 tank has already been wasted she wasn’t about to let him half-ass this. This had to be done right. She knew arguing about this over comms would be fruitless.

\--

It took a lot longer than he expected but the blinking green light is all Bellamy had ever wanted to see. The antenna is working. It’s actually working. The smile that bloomed on his face is born from relieved exhaustion. He felt sickly, as if all the sleepless nights are finally catching up with him.

“Get your ass back here, now.” Raven scolds and Bellamy quickly heads for the rungs.

“Monty have you tried Clarke?” Bellamy asks, entertaining the possibility that Raven might murder him once he gets back.

There’s no answer.

He felt like he could lose consciousness. His limbs are rubbery as if he’s made out of pudding. He blinks the sweat away from his eyes.

“What happened?” He tries.

“Bellamy…you are going to suffocate if you don’t calm down.” Raven reports.

Bellamy cringes and reaches for the final rung before flinging himself towards the airlock. He almost misses and he slams into the side of the door, knocking the air from his lungs. He coughs against his helmet, grips onto the doorway and forces himself inside the darkened room.

“I’m here.” His voice is rough like someone took sandpaper to it. 

The doors shut and he collapses onto the floor with the pressurization of the room. Before the doors even open, he’s ripping off the space suit and helmet. He stumbles forward, surprised to see almost everyone crowding around the entrance, staring at him.

Raven steps between them and grabs his shoulders to get him to look at her. “We made contact with the bunker.”


	7. Spiral

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy flounders for a bit and things may get worse before they get better but I promise this fic won't end in despair! Thank you for reading!

Keeping his feet anchored to the Earth is where he belonged. Bellamy didn’t do well in vacuums, in voids. No matter how hostile their journey has been it never matched the cold slow death that space provides. Each time he stared out at the darkness beyond, his reflection would always be looking right back. It’s unnerving. He didn’t remember it being this unnerving.

There’s a crackling sound and then clarity, “Hey, big brother.”

O’s voice resounds over comms. The others fan out behind him in hopeful silence.

“Never thought I’d hear your voice again.” Bellamy breathes with relief into the receiver. His thoughts are erratic and he can’t sit still. The adrenaline from earlier is wearing off and now he just felt an achy awareness.  An awareness to the ship, the people behind him and to his own desperation.

His sister is fine, she’s safe. It’s _enough_.

“What’s it like being back on the Ark?” She asks.

“Nothing we aren’t used to. We’ll manage.”

“Have you heard from Clarke?” She asks and Bellamy feels the eyes of everyone behind him burning holes into his skull.

“Yes, she’s surviving, like the rest of us.”

There’s a rattling sound and static before Abby’s voice echoes, “Have you been able to talk with her?”

Bellamy’s resolve is slowly cracking and he swallows before speaking, “We’ve been unable to communicate back to her.”

“Is there anything you can do to fix that?” 

He contemplates telling her they hadn’t heard from Clarke in a while, not since she was in distress, but he replies, “We’ll keep trying.”

“She’s alone out there.” Abby says, softly.

He clenches his jaw, standing from the chair and says, “I know.”

He abruptly hands the receiver to Raven before exiting the room. He rests his back against the cold metal wall of the hallway and runs his palms over his face. He had surpassed the definition of exhaustion but he couldn’t sleep. Not now.

“Not the reunion you were hoping for.” He hears from down the hallway. Murphy is leaning against the wall with his arms crossed.

“Being able to communicate with the bunker is a win for us.” Bellamy replies and Murphy gives him the smallest smirk.

“I hope it was worth the air you wasted.” 

“Not now, Murphy.” Bellamy warns.

Murphy holds up his hands in mock surrender and before he turns to leave, he adds, “You look like shit by the way. There’s this thing called sleep.”

\--

Once everyone clears out of the comms room, he sits down in the usual uncomfortable chair there. He knew Raven would soon give him an ear full but he suspects she’s giving him time to rest before the onslaught. He’s grateful for that.

He presses his lips against the receiver and says, “Clarke…please tell me you can hear this.”

He waits in the hushed dark.

“At least tell us you’re okay.”

That panicked terror hasn’t left him. It makes a home in his throat; festering like a scream.

“I’m sorry… I left you behind.” Bellamy says to the silence.

The silence is cruel. It’s an entity in its own right. It will always make him question his ultimate failures. They hang in the air in front of him on an invisible clothesline.

“I should be there with you.”

_Together._

His world always tilts and cracks when Clarke wasn’t in it.  It’s always been this way. Without the head, the heart loses its way. He doesn’t want to live separate anymore. He doesn’t want to pretend he didn’t give pieces of himself to her. She kept them, like bread crumbs, in the palms of her hands, in the weight of her shoulders.

“Please…say something.” He says and he closes his eyes to stop them from burning. He thinks maybe he falls to sleep but it’s a voice that snaps his eyes open.

_“Bellamy.”_

It isn’t static or even from the comms. It came from behind him, as clear as day. He startles upright and slowly turns around to face the doorway. There’s no one there. She isn’t there. How could she be?

He needed to sleep. He needed to shut himself down for a while.

He stands from the chair and collapses onto the unmade bed. His dreams don’t grant him peace. They’re a kaleidoscope of terror, tree branches lashing out at him, and Clarke calling for him in the distant muffled tree line.  Bellamy never wanted to be Clarke’s savior. It was never _about_ saving her. It’s about failing her.

“Bellamy.” That distinct voice again, coming from beyond the nightmare of his thoughts. It’s what tears him out of it. His eyes slowly opened, unfocused to the face above his. The familiar blond hair and small smile.  Realization dawns on him and he whips himself upward, almost falling from the bed. The blanket moves to the cold floor. He’s alone.

His heart is racing, he can’t get a handle on his breathing. He stands quickly from his bed and walks out into the hallway, where he sets his hands on his knees. He had to calm down.

He releases a heavy exhale and presses his back to the cold wall again. He slides down it this time, to the floor. He wipes away the sweat that’s collected on his face and neck. He’s never been good at dealing with guilt. It left him reeling, scrambling for purchase. It was as if he’s been floating out in that void that’s swallowed the Ark this whole time.  

“Bellamy.”

He turns startled to see Raven this time, looking at him with quiet concern. He’s relieved he hasn’t completely lost his mind yet.

“I’m fine.…nightmares.” He replies, trying to give her a reassuring nod. She walks towards him and surprisingly joins him, by sitting down on the floor across from him. She crosses her legs and studies him openly.

“Everyone is happy that we can communicate with the bunker.” Raven begins and Bellamy breaks eye contact, looking out towards the long silent hallway. “I know you’re pissed, Raven and I don’t blame you.”

“Oh I was, I still am but I’d be lying if I wasn’t glad you fixed it. Even if you did waste an O2 tank to do it.”

When he glances back at her, there’s a quiet irritation to her features but she didn’t look like she wanted to float him. It’s progress.

“I lied earlier.” Bellamy confesses and he watches her irritation grow. “I found several O2 tanks on our inspection through the sectors.”

“Jesus, Bellamy! Are you serious? You kept that from me?”

“Yes. I’d do it again. We made contact with the bunker because of it.” Bellamy replies, resolute.  

“This has to stop. I’m serious. We are all trapped here together. We have to make the best of what we have. We have to make decisions together.”

Bellamy forces himself to stand, using the wall behind him for support. “I know and I understand that---"

His words are cut short by a loud piercing alarm. Raven stands up quick and the lights dim to a dark red, painting their skin in it.

“What the hell is going on?” Bellamy questions and Raven opens her mouth to speak when the entire Ark shifts, sending them sideways into the nearest wall. Monty is scrambling out to them, trying to gain his footing. A loud ear-piercing screech of tearing metal echoes out into the depths.

“There’s been a hull breach!” Monty yells.

“Shit! How the hell did this happen?” Raven yells back and she uses the doorway behind her to help her stand. The Ark shakes and there’s a resounding boom. Bellamy can see pieces of debris floating out into the void from the window in front of him.

“One of the damaged sectors detached from us.” Monty replies and jogs down the long hallway with Raven alongside him. Bellamy quickly stands, running straight into Murphy.

“What’d you do now?” He asks and Bellamy glares at him, pushing passed him. He blinks against the flashing red of the lights.

Murphy yells from behind him, “It’s a good thing we have all the O2 tanks we can spare.”

Bellamy stalks around the nearest corner and grabs the three space suits from the partially opened locker there. It’s always the same. On the ground or in space. Something is always trying to kill them.

“Bellamy.” He hears from behind him.

He sighs, “I’ll be right there. I have to find the helmets.”

Bellamy flings the contents of the nearest locker onto the floor. Where were they? He remembers putting them in here. Didn’t he?

“Bellamy.” They say again and he turns ready to express his annoyance when his heart leaps into his throat.

Clarke is standing in the open doorway, the hallway lights painting her eerily red. Bellamy just stands there, stalk-still, unable to bring himself to move or speak. She says nothing else, just stares at him. He blinks and releases a breath before looking away. He can’t do this right now. Not this. He needed to focus. He kicks open another locker but the helmets weren’t in there either.

“Goddammit!” Bellamy yells and runs his hands through his hair. Most of it stuck to his face and neck from the sweat. She’s gone when he looks in the doorway again and there, piled in a haphazard heap in the corner are the helmets.


	8. Running Out

The breach is a medium sized hole ripped into the side of one of the labs. The gnarled metal protruded out to space beyond.

Entering the breached lab proved treacherous even in a spacesuit.  The room is acting as a vacuum, sucking everything out of it. Bellamy tethered himself to Monty and Raven.  He lifts a large metal plate from the floor and carefully carries it towards the hole. The bulky spacesuit doesn’t provide much room for precision to maneuver. It forcefully slams against the breach and Raven quickly begins to seal it in place.

“This is bad guys. We don’t know the extent of the damage.” Monty states. Bellamy grunts, keeping the metal plate centered.

The red light above blinks softly at them and Bellamy tries not to concentrate on the darkest corners of the room. There’s nothing there. She isn’t there now but it doesn’t rid him of the terrifying fact that he did see her earlier.

He knows rationally that it must be the stress coupled with the sleep deprivation and the infinite supply of guilt he had on hand. If he just took care himself better than he wouldn’t feel like he’s losing his mind and that the dark corners were just dark corners.

Not long ago, looking down at the burning Earth, he had wanted to lose his mind to it. He would have welcomed it then, to see her again, but now…now that he’s faced with the reality of it, he’s utterly terrified.

The breach is sealed and they are able to pressurize the sector before they close it off for good. They needed to take precautions and make sure the ring didn’t start to collapse in on itself. It’s stabilized for now.

\--

Bellamy sits with the others in the mess hall and sips soup Monty attempted to make. It wasn’t bad, just bland but he couldn’t really blame him for the lack of ingredients they had on hand.

“I need to form a more accurate damage assessment of the entire ring, so we can make sure that doesn’t happen again.” Raven says to the group.

“What exactly was it that happened?” Emori speaks up and glances in Bellamy’s direction.

If they want to blame him for everything, then so be it.

“It was my fault.” Raven begins, “I powered up the other sectors of the ring and in doing so caused an electrical short to an old antenna that crashed into the bottom of the ring.”

“What does that have to do with the antenna that Bellamy repaired?” Emori questions.

“Nothing. These are two separate incidents.”

Murphy leans back in his chair on a yawn, “So, because of those two mistakes, we are scarce on air and the ship might collapse. Nice going.”

Bellamy sets down his spoon and interrupts, “I don’t see you stepping up to take care of any of it. What is it you do exactly?”

Murphy throws a smile his way and Raven stands, “We can throw blame around or we can try to make sure we don’t make any more of those mistakes.”

Bellamy presses his lips together and blinks against the bright piercing lights that surrounded them. He could feel a headache coming on, a bad one.

By the time he made it back to the comms room his head is splitting open. He dimmed the lights considerably and sat silent in the usual chair with his eyes tightly closed. He pinches the bridge of his nose and thinks of sleeping.

At this point he’s almost too exhausted to sleep.

The comms crackles. “Bellamy, you there?” O’s voice echoes.

He quickly picks up the receiver and replies, “I’m here. Everything okay?”

“We’re surviving. Just checking in.”

There’s a burst of static and Bellamy waits for it to disperse before replying.

“There’s been some damage to the ring from an old antenna but we were able to repair it.”

“Good to hear it. No word from Clarke?” O asks and Bellamy rests his elbows on his knees, the receiver cupped in his palms.  

“Nothing. Not even static.”

“I know how you are. It’s not your fault, Bellamy.” O replies and the garbled static hums in the background.

“It is. I left her behind.” He says softly.

“She understood what had to be done. It’s not just on you. All of you had to leave or you would have died.”

“Maybe I should have stayed…” Bellamy lets the words hang there, out in the open and Octavia is silent for a moment.

“You’re not serious?”

There’s a skipping sound, like a record player without a recorder to play. She continues, “You aren’t a night blood.”

Bellamy sits up and says, “I don’t know…I think I’m just tired.”

“Get some rest then, big brother.” She says quietly.

“You too, O.”

\--

He lies awake, his eyes resting on the ceiling above. He imagines the metal torn open above him to reveal the stars and it’s a small comfort.

There’s a sudden screech of static over the comms that startles him.  He sits upright, still and silent.  He listens to the static fade and then grow louder again.

He hears the words, “I’m here.” Barely audible and he runs to the receiver.

“Clarke…can you hear me? Are you okay?”

The crackling answers him back.

“Clarke! Can you hear me?”

The static suddenly cuts out and leaves him with silence. It’s eerily jarring.

“Can you read me?” He tries again.

There’s a knock on the door that makes him jump and he sits there eyeing his surroundings as if something has changed. It feels like something is different but he can’t put his finger on it. Something small, like the light.

There’s a knock again and Bellamy stands from the chair and opens the metal door. Raven is on the other side, looking exhausted. There’s a slump to her shoulders. Whatever she’s planning on saying it wasn’t anything uplifting.

“Everything okay?” He asks.

She pushes by him into the room and she motions for him to shut the door. He complies with a click and he crosses his arms. There’s a chill in the air, like a draft moving through.

“I talked to Monty about this and he said I should talk to you. I’m unsure about telling you this because of how much pressure you’ve been putting on yourself.” Raven says into the quiet.

“I’m fine.” Bellamy replies and Raven shakes her head with a bitter laugh.

“Don’t patronize me. We both know you haven’t been fine since we left Earth.”

Bellamy doesn’t bother arguing and sighs instead, waiting for her continue.

She just stands there for a moment looking towards the comms and observing his messy unmade bed. Her eyes find his again and there’s a growing fear in her expression. It frightens Bellamy. Raven is rarely scared about anything.

“It’s about the damage and the breach.” She says and stops, crossing her arms in the process. “I calculated how long our air would last. Before the damage it was at six years and seven days.”

“What is it at now?” He asks. She’s watching him with quiet devastation.

“Four years and eleven days with seven people.”

“We need five years, Raven.” He states the obvious but he doesn’t know what else to say.

“I calculated it again and again. It didn’t change unless…” She pauses and keeps her eyes locked on his. He swallows waiting for her to finish.

“Unless what?”

“Unless there’s less people. With five we can make it for five years.” She says and Bellamy takes a deep breath, running his hands over his face. His head is throbbing again, like it could crack open.

“That means…what does that mean?” Bellamy asks and his voice wavers. He knew what it meant, he just didn’t want to say it.

“We can’t survive the five years with all seven of us in the ring. We have the time to plan but we need a solution here.”

“One that doesn’t involve floating two of our people.” Bellamy snaps.

“Preferably but we also have to consider all solutions, as much as I don’t want to acknowledge it.” She replies and looks away from him aimlessly towards the floor.

He moves towards the nearest chair and collapses into it. “What do we tell the others?”

Raven glances over at him. “We don’t…not right now anyway. I don’t want anyone to panic.”

Bellamy takes a slow deep breath, “There has to be an alternative. We’re going to find it, even if it takes four years to do it. We can’t….” He stops and shakes his head.

Raven nods even if she didn’t look convinced. They sit in the worn-out silence until the sounds of the others roaming the halls echo back to them.


	9. Thread

He can’t help but shut his eyes, if just for a moment.

Beneath his eyelids are where the nightmares resided. It’s a little different each time but he’s always in that field where Clarke is supposed to be but she’s never there. She’s somewhere he can’t get to. He can’t hear her and he can’t see her. It’s a form of sensory deprivation.

Bellamy had waited too long for a perfect moment that didn’t exist. He’d tell her everything now if he could. _Every single thing._

He slowly blinks awake and Raven is sitting at the comms station. She hadn’t left since she told him the news. The news that they are slowly running out of air, that they are dying. He wouldn’t do it. He wouldn’t agree to anymore deaths. He’s tired of losing people.

“I heard Clarke on the comms.” Bellamy whispers and he’s not sure if he’s actually talking to Raven or if he’s trying to reassure himself.

Raven turns to him and replies, “Some good news. She seems okay?”

Bellamy’s not sure what Clarke sounded like. She wasn’t in distress or happy. She just was.

“She seemed fine. She was calm.” He squints against the light in the room and stands from the floor.

“Monty will want to know that you know. We have to start thinking of solutions.” Raven states, watching Bellamy with concern.

“Still not sleeping well?”

He heads directly towards the door.

“There isn’t enough time for it.”

“Sleeping isn’t a luxury, Bellamy. It’s a necessity.” Raven replies.

“I got an hour…it’s enough for now.” Bellamy steps out into the cold hallway. He softly closes the door behind him and stands in front of the small window. There are still pieces of debris from the breach floating by. It’s like they are slowly crumbling, piece by piece. He wonders years from now if there will be anything left.

“Hey Bellamy.”

He startles out of his thoughts and nods as Harper walks by him, disappearing down the long hallway. He makes his way to the algae farm and stands in the doorway of the lab. Monty is collecting fresh grown samples at the front and Echo is in the back tending to the rest. He hadn’t realized she had been helping Monty.

“Monty.” Bellamy calls and he looks over at him with grim acknowledgement. He knows what he’s here for.

He follows Monty to his quarters, which he realizes he’s never been to before. Monty shuts the door behind him, his eyes closed as if he’s waiting to be punched.

“Raven wants us thinking of solutions. Solutions that don’t involve floating two of our people.” Bellamy says.

Monty opens his eyes, blinking at him. “We should tell the others, we shouldn’t keep this from them.”

“Right now? It’ll cause too much tension and panic. That’s not a solution.”

“WE are panicked already!” Monty abruptly yells. “They have a right to know we may not make it back home.”

“We will make it back home, all of us.” Bellamy replies and Monty crosses his arms on a sigh. “How are we going to do that?”

“Is there any way we could cut off power in the other sectors, it’ll be cramped but would that work?” Bellamy asks and Monty shakes his head.

“It wouldn’t make a difference. We are all still breathing the same air.”

“We could head home early, before the oxygen runs out.”

Monty squints at him as if he’s lost his mind. “You do realize that we’d be fried by the radiation. We’d have to go back a year earlier.”

“There’s a chance it could work though. Wouldn’t it be better than floating two of our people?” Bellamy asks and his face falls when Monty doesn’t answer.

They stand there in silence and Monty won’t look at him. Bellamy continues, “You’d be willing---“

Monty interrupts, “No I wouldn’t. We just don’t have a lot of options.”

“Have we ever?”

Monty looks over at him then, solemnly. “I think we should tell the others.”

\--

Bellamy hates the cold and how it takes things from him without permission. This Ark is slowly stealing the warmth from every corner.

The seven of them stand in the command center and small tonal lights blink softly behind the others. Raven, Monty and Bellamy stand in front of them at a map projection table that’s no longer lit. Monty has his head bowed, staring at nothing and Raven is looking to him, waiting for him to speak.

Bellamy can’t let Raven bear the weight of this news too. If Monty couldn’t do it, he’d do it.

“What happened now?” Murphy asks.

Monty shuts his eyes tight and Bellamy speaks up, “We have some bad news.”

“No shit…out with it.” Murphy replies.

“Raven did the projections on how long the oxygen would last us before we have to journey back home. Since the damage from the old antenna, the time that we have has shortened.”  Bellamy continues and watches the quiet realization sink in.

“By how much time?” Harper asks and she’s looking at Monty.

Monty finally speaks up, “By a year. We have four years of oxygen left with seven people.”

Murphy is quietly laughing bitterly as Bellamy suspected he would and the others are stark pale.

Emori breaks her silence, “What about without seven people?”

Raven catches Bellamy’s eye before she replies, “with five people we can make it the five years required.”

“What does that mean?” Echo resounds. It’s the first time she’s spoken in a long while.

Murphy answers, “It means that two of us has to die.”

“That won’t happen, we are trying to think of better solutions that will guarantee we will all make it back home.” Bellamy replies.

No one looks convinced and Bellamy didn’t blame them. They’re terrified and trapped in the cold confines of a metal tomb.

“I understand this is a lot to take in ---“ Bellamy stops mid-sentence when he sees a shadow looming in from the doorway. It’s like someone is standing there, listening. It even moves, fidgets like a person.

He blinks and looks back at the terrified faces that are waiting for him to finish and he says softly. “….we’ll figure this out.”

“Well that was convincing.” Murphy supplies and Bellamy walks from the table they were standing at and towards the doorway. The shadow is still now, it looked inanimate. When he reaches it, a cold blank hallway waits for him. He didn’t know what he was expecting or at least wants to pretend not to know what he was expecting.

“Give me a minute.” Bellamy says to the room behind him.

He walks back to the comms room and stands in the silence. There’s an odd eerie feeling washing over him, like a slow descent into the unknown. After a moment, there’s a low crackle of static as if he willed it.

“Bel-amy.”

He quickly grabs the receiver. “Can you hear me?”

There’s fuzzy white noise and then, “I…-an hear y-ou.”  

Bellamy startles and his heart threatens to break open his chest. “You can hear me?”

Then there’s silence. The static is gone again; back into the ether.

“What the hell was that?” He hears from behind him and he turns suddenly to see Raven looking perturbed in the doorway.

“What?”

“You just walked out of the room, what happened?” Raven questions.

Bellamy ignores her irritation and says, “I think Clarke might be able to hear me.”

Raven watches him with an unreadable expression. “You talked to her?”

“Yes, it was garbled but I think she could hear me.” Bellamy says and he feels like smiling but decides against it under the circumstances.

“Well I’m glad that she’s okay and that you may be able to communicate but we need you to come back to the command center. We are trying to figure out solutions, Bellamy.”

He looks back at the receiver but that feeling of _wrongness_ has yet to lift.

“Bellamy.” Raven prods.

“I’ll be there.”

“You with me? You seem…out of it.” Raven tries.

Bellamy turns back to her again and nods, “I’m just tired.”

“Have you seen yourself lately?” Raven says bluntly.

He hasn’t. He’s been avoiding reflective surfaces for the better part of their stay.

“It’s just insomnia.” Bellamy replies and it feels like a lie.

“I’ll walk with you back to the command center and then you should get some sleep after.” Raven says and Bellamy swallows on a nod.

He stands and looks back at the receiver one more time before heading out of the doorway with Raven.

“We need you with us, Bellamy. We can’t do this without you.”

Bellamy moves his eyes back to hers and he can see the desperate truth there, bared.

“I’m here. I promise. I’m not going anywhere.” He reassures her. She seems somewhat satisfied, enough to start walking ahead of him.

He can hear the others arguing as they near the command center again. They’d make this work. Bellamy would do anything to get them home again. Even if it meant drawing the short straw himself.

As they enter the large room, he interrupts the mild argument breaking out between Murphy and Monty.

“We should vote, like we did before. For each solution, we come up with.”

“Enjoy your break?” Murphy asks and he looks exceptionally annoyed.

“Who thinks we should float two of our people?” Bellamy says harshly.

No one makes a move, silence falls over the room. The complete kind.

“It’s off the table then.” Bellamy adds.

“For now.” Raven replies.

Bellamy knew as the years wore on the more desperate they’d become. He couldn’t say where they’d be in three years or what new terror they’d have to face.

Home seemed so far away, like a dream. _She_ seemed so far away. When he looks at their home burning below them, bright and dying, he hopes there’s still a future that waits for them there. He hopes his mind will cling onto that thread a little longer. It’s such a small thread, but it’s all he has.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've recently received messages on how this fic is too depressing. I apologize if it is. I'm drawing from personal experience of realistic grief and trauma and I always thought the show itself wasn't a happy story either. I had planned for this story to have a good ending. Thank you for reading!


	10. Terrified

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to update! I figured with the long break that a time jump might be appropriate. I hope you enjoy the new chapter :)

**One Year Later -**

Bellamy found routine in the mundane. He found forcing himself to lie down each night proved he could at least get a few hours before the thoughts would start in on him again. He had let his hair grow longer but he’s eating better or at least he thinks he is. Raven still isn’t convinced but she doesn’t stare at him like he’s dying anymore. 

Clarke had yet to contact him again since that time a year ago and he tried every day. Every single day. He’d do so for however long they were up here in this tin can. He’d grab the receiver and tell her about his day. He’d start in the morning, getting up and getting coffee and explain to her how _riveting_ and exciting things have been without her.

“The algae farm is coming along well, thanks to Monty.” He told the receiver and he’d imagine she’d give him that small smile as she usually did and she’d say, _“I’m glad, Bellamy…I’m glad”_

“Me too…” He says to the receiver.

The topic of daily conversation had been the slow depletion of their air supply and what they can do to remedy it, so that two of their people didn’t have to float for it. Bellamy still thought it a viable solution to head back early. Yes, it was a year earlier than scheduled but what other choice did they have? He wasn’t going to be responsible for the murder of two of them. Not him. He didn’t want to put that dark deed on Raven either. This is the way it had to be. They are survivors after all.

“I’m hopeful about it.” Bellamy states while moving around the food on his plate with his fork. Raven who sat across from him, smirked. “I’m glad one of us is.”

He heard Murphy huff at the far end of the table but it didn’t stop a small smile of his own from forming on his lips.

The mess hall had seen better days. Boxes of food stores now littered the walls for ease of access and the lights have not ceased to be bright daggers that assaulted his vision each time he entered a room. He hated this place with an unmatched passion but he suspects everyone felt the same.

Raven slides her empty tray away from her and says, “I have to get back to the command center.” Bellamy nods at her and as she’s standing the sound of someone collapsing onto the floor, spoon and forks clinking along with them draws their attention. Bellamy quickly stands with the group as they all watch Emori convulse helplessly on the ground.

“SOMEONE DO SOMETHING.” Murphy screams.

They crowd around her and Raven kneels beside her until the convulsing stops. Blood begins to pour from her nose.

“What the hell is happening?” Harper exclaims.

“Bellamy, help me carry her to the med lab.” Raven calls and Bellamy quickly kneels beside them, each putting one of her arms over their shoulders. They quickly move towards the entrance to hallway when Bellamy began to feel his chest constrict. It was a small discomfort at first as they ran down the quiet hall towards the med bay but as they got inside and set Emori down on the exam table he could feel that something was wrong. _Really_ wrong.

“Raven…” Bellamy says and he felt warm liquid meet his lip from his nose.

“Shit…your nose is bleeding.” Raven says with a look of terror.

Bellamy stumbles on a grunt and falls forward. Raven is there, catching him and bringing him safely to the ground before darkness finds him.

\--

Bellamy felt warmth on his face. The natural kind of warmth one feels from the sun. He could even feel a slight breeze swim by him sending strands of his hair across his forehead. He reaches out feeling soft grass between his fingers. He could even see the light now behind his eyelids, shining through.

He blinked them open, blinded by the sun above and before he can lift his hand to block it a shadow passes over it, above him. A face. _Her_ face.

“Where did you go?” She asks him softly from above and lifts a brow, waiting for his response.

He sits up quickly, squinting against the daylight. His eyes hadn’t seen so much light in ages. So much sun. The area around them is the summer filled green and trees marked the back drop. His heart jumped when his eyes found hers again and she was looking at him as if he has lost his mind. “Bellamy?”

“This is Earth.” Bellamy states and a wide smile breaks out across his face. 

“I didn’t think I’d see you again.” She states and that melancholy awareness comes back to her features. It made his chest ache almost permanently. “Where did you go?” She asks him again and he reaches out to rest his palm to her cheek and it’s warm beneath his skin. It’s everything. He didn’t need to know how he got here or why. His heart is thrumming beneath this sun. This place. It felt real, it didn’t feel like a dream and he is going to convince himself of that even if it's a lie.

“I talk to you every day.” She says and he tilts his head at her.

“Can you hear me through the radio?” He asks and he can feel his throat tighten.

“I can hear you now.” She says and she rests her hand over his heart. She looked so real. How was this possible? His mind couldn’t possibly be this cruel. A soft wind envelopes them, creating patterns in the grass beside them.

“Where are we?” Bellamy asks and she studies his eyes, carefully, with hidden concern.

“I don’t know. You seem so far away. All of you.” Her eyes are glassy in the sun. He leans forward wrapping his arms around her and she’s a solid weight, beating heart and breath. She presses her face into his neck and squeezes him tight against her to hold him there.  

“You’re fading.” She says with quiet desperation. “I…--”

Then her voice is cut short. The sudden onslaught of agony grips hold of him and his eyes shoot open to the bright artificial light above. He rolls over and gets sick into a metal bin below the table.

“Bellamy…Bellamy.” Raven’s voice is behind him and then as he lies down again, she’s above him.

“How do you feel?” She asks. Her voice is echoing and the lights are far too bright. He can’t blink them away. He can still feel _her_ weight against his heart.

“Like absolute hell.” He rasps.

“You and Emori were poisoned. I’ve got everyone locked in the mess hall right now until we find out how this happened.” Raven replies. She runs her hand over his forehead, pushing the sweaty strands away and feeling his temperature.

“Luckily whoever the hell did it, didn’t know what they were doing and it was just enough for you to recover.” Raven replies and holds a cup of water to his lips for which he proceeded to drink from. His head felt like it had been smashed to pieces.

He moans pressing the palms of his hands to his face. “We have to find out who did this.”

“ _We_ …aren’t going to anything. You have to rest.” Raven says and pats his chest with the shake of her head.

“Who the hell would poison us?” Bellamy asks, cringing when Raven steps out of the way of the light. It assaults him once again and he lifts his hand to block it.

“I don’t know but it was just the two of you meaning they were doing it to save on air apparently. Murphy tried to attack Monty since it was him who cooked the food.” Raven says and Bellamy can hear the exhaustion that tinted her speech.

“It wasn’t Monty…” Bellamy states and shuts his eyes.

“Get some rest, okay? Emori is also resting even if she insisted otherwise.” Raven replies and doesn’t wait for him to protest more before she leaves.

\--

Raven is tired of this shit and that's putting it mildly. If the ship wasn’t falling apart then they were trying to murder each other and it’s only been a year. She didn’t look forward to what other joys this stay had in store.

She presses the code to open up the mess hall which she locked down and immediately sees Murphy attacking Monty again.

“HEY! Knock it off.” Raven yells as she runs over to them to break them apart. They tumble away from each other panting and Murphy yells, “IT WAS HIM!”

Monty stands and angrily exclaims, “I wouldn’t do that to Bellamy or Emori or anyone here, goddammit!”

Raven interrupts, “Someone here did. We need to find out who it was. I understand the ‘logic’ because of our air depletion but really?” She looks to each face that stares back at her.

“Well you know it wasn’t me. Can I see Emori now?” Murphy adds, still gaining his breath back from the rage filled argument.

“We don’t know that.” Raven replies and Murphy squints at her as if he’s perplexed.

“You’ve got to be kidding me. Emori was poisoned, Raven. You think I’m that low?” Murphy asks with the shake of his head.

“Maybe…” Monty says from across the room and that gains a snarl from Murphy.

“Enough!” Raven echoes and takes a deep calming breath.

\--

Bellamy forced himself upright, finally getting out from beneath the torture of the light.

“What a day or night or whatever, eh?” He hears from behind him and he turns his head to see Emori looking worse for wear on another table identical to his.

“You know who poisoned us?” Bellamy breathes and stands from the table, wobbly from weakness.

“How in the hell would I know?” Emori snaps and Bellamy shakes his head before heading towards the door. He tries to open it and notices Raven had put a lock on it. He attempted a code and it flashed red back at him. “Dammit.” He says under his breath. He uses the wall for support and presses his back into when he turns to face Emori who is sitting up, slowly. Her skin is sickly pale and she glares at him.

“It was Murphy, wasn’t it?” Bellamy says and the anger from Emori is immense. If she wasn’t so weak he imagines she would attempt to punch him.

“You really think Murphy would poison me?”

“It just…it seems deliberate with how little we were given, like it was an experiment and the only way it wouldn’t implicate him would be to do the same to you. I would bet you were even in on it. Maybe he thought he gave me more than he did.” Bellamy explains.

“Fuck off.” Is her response before she lays back down again, turning on her side away from him.

“Just a thought.”

“Fuck right off.”

Bellamy hums in agreement before slumping down into a very uncomfortable metal chair.

He continues, “You know we will all survive this. I know you’re scared. I am too. I know whoever did this didn’t or wouldn’t have done this under different circumstances. I understand that but this can’t happen. We’re almost home.”

She says nothing and he watches her back. He imagines she’d curse something else at him if she did.

“I said that we’d all make it to the ground again and I meant it. You and Murphy, all of us deserve another chance. We just have to work together.” Bellamy tries and the silence remains. It's true, they are all terrified, even if he resented the hate they seem to harbor for him.

His eyes are drooping and he felt lethargic. He stood from his chair and collapses back onto the exam table. He hopes at least when sleep finds him that Clarke does too.


	11. Bonding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are appreciated! :) I hope you are enjoying it!

Soft wind and tall grasses against the painted night of stars. Bellamy is lying in that field again beneath the night, with grass in his hair. Clarke isn’t there this time though. Her silhouette isn’t near him. This time he’s alone. He sits up, hugging his arms as a chill envelopes his shoulders. He’d wait for her in this place without time. This forever and this in-between.

He’s convinced himself that he’s actually speaking to Clarke here, that this wasn’t something he’s conjured from grief or loneliness. The way she looks at him here and speaks to him here, it’s her. The undiluted real Clarke.

“Where’d you go?” He asks the stars and they blink back at him. He stands from his sitting position to get a better vantage point and that’s when he spots the figure. Her figure walking towards him from the woods.  She takes off running towards him, her blonde hair shadowed in the dark.

‘ _Where’d you go?’_

The wrong voice bursts into his subconscious, “Hey, wake up!”

The night is stolen from him as he’s taken back up into those cold dying stars. The void greets him again as he opens his eyes to the bright light. He turns over to see Emori lying on her bed facing away from him.

“You were talking in your sleep.” Emori unhelpfully adds.

Bellamy closes his eyes tight, “You woke me up to tell me that?”

Emori rasps, “How the hell am I supposed to get any sleep?”

Bellamy sits up, his head still feeling like a dead weight on his shoulders.

“That guilt really is eating you alive still, isn’t it?” Emori asks, still not turning around to face him. He's glad of it because her cold expression would leave much to be desired.

“What guilt?”

She bluntly states, “Leaving her behind.”

Those words hit him like a kick to the chest and he doesn’t know if it’s cause he’s utterly exhausted but a lump grows in his throat threating to break free. He swallows painfully against it and hates that his voice wavers, “We all did what had to be done.”

“Yeah, we did, so what’s the problem?” Emori questions.

“Enough.” Bellamy snaps.

“Well, I struck a nerve.” Emori ponders, as if she’s proud of herself.

Bellamy moves to sit in one of the many uncomfortable metal chairs, “I thought you needed sleep?” 

She turns to face him briefly, “And miss out on bonding time?”

Bellamy huffs, shaking his head in indignation. He had to get out of this room.

\--

The raucous energy has faded from the room and with it a bland sense of nervousness. The thrumming kind, just under the skin, and Raven is done with it.

“None of you are leaving this room until we figure out who it was.” She recites for the fifth time in three hours. The mess hall is beginning to look smaller by the minute and her patience is nonexistent.

Murphy clears his throat and there’s a bitter smirk on his lips, “All of you think it’s me. All of you think I should float for it too?”

“No one is floating anyone.” Raven sighs and grabs Murphy’s shoulder, shoving him back down onto the cafeteria bench. The rest sat there obediently still. “We’re all stuck in this hell hole together. Now I’m going to be speak with you all individually and I’ll start with Monty.”

“I wonder who he’ll blame?” Murphy mocks and Monty glares at him as they move to a more private table away from prying ears.

The lights are a piercing reminder that this isn’t nearly over and her headache is just forming. “You saw nothing at all?”

“Murphy was hanging around out in the hall with Emori at one point.”

Raven leans forward pressing her palms on the cold metal table. “You really think it was Murphy?”

“Murphy and Emori. I think they’ve been planning this and I think they were trying to make it look like someone desperate about the disappearing O2.”

“Are you serious, Monty? Have you been sleeping?” Raven asks, knitting her brows together in disbelief.

Monty sighs, irritated, “You asked for my opinion, Raven.”

“I understand you and Murphy don’t get along but you really think this?” This really wasn’t doing much for her headache.

“Who the hell actually gets along with Murphy?” Monty questions and Raven presses her lips together, conceding to his point.

\--

_Murphy_ sits in front of Raven with his usual irritable bravado. “Contrary to popular belief I don’t hate Bellamy. Surprised?”

Raven crosses her arms, suppressing a yawn. “Is that so?”

 “He has…he’s…” There’s a pause and Raven watches him struggle and hopes he doesn’t come up with some bullshit list of Bellamy’s good qualities for her benefit. She has a curse on the tip of her tongue to throw at him if the need arose.

He settles on, “I don’t like him but if I wanted him dead, I wouldn’t poison Emori to do it.” Murphy tilts his head, seemingly satisfied with his own response.

“But you would suffocate them, hang them or….shoot them?” Raven replies curtly.

Murphy laughs then, amused. “Are we really back to that again?”

Raven eyes him with permeant annoyance.  “What about Emori?”

Murphy’s smirk is wiped from his face as if a switch has been flipped. “You think she would poison herself? Are you fucking kidding me?” He moves then; back rigid.

“Well, it wasn’t enough to kill anyone.” Raven says and gets satisfaction when anger flashes in Murphy’s eyes.

“We’re done.” He grits and stands from the table, heading back to the spot he left. She can feel the tension building, however, and knew another fight is bound to break out. She found she missed having Bellamy’s reassurances in this moment. Half the time she was never one for canned speeches but Bellamy’s good at them and at least it would calm some of the tension down. She couldn’t put this on him now though, not while he’s recovering.

\--

_Harper_ gives Raven a small smile and rests her hands quietly in her lap. She’s always been kind to Raven even if they never really talked much.

“How are you doing, Harper?” Raven asks, sincerely.

She fidgets and rests her hands on the table. “Wish this would all blow over.”

Raven nods, “I hear you. I’m guessing you didn’t see anything?”

She doesn’t look at Raven, she keeps her eyes on her clasped hands and slowly replies, “I think it was Echo.”

Raven snapped out of her boredom and leaned forward, “What? How do you know?”

Harper closes her eyes and swallows, “I saw her in the kitchen when Monty went to get supplies but since they’ve been working on the algae farm together I didn’t think anything of it. I’m sorry…that I didn’t say anything sooner.”

Raven scanned the room, observing Echo from a distance. She sat a space away from the group, always by herself. She’s hardly spoken to any of them since they’ve been stuck here. She doesn’t seem to like most of them, _except_ Bellamy, which would be strange if she was the one to poison him.

“Thanks, Harper.”

\--

_Echo_ sits down in front of Raven silently, looking just as bored as Raven felt. She did look out of place though and played her part well. A grounder in space.

Raven begins, “So, anything to say?”

“I’ve got nothing to say. I didn’t see anything.” Echo supplies coolly. Her eyes betray nothing and Raven understands that gaze.

“Were you in the kitchen at all?” Raven asks and Echo shakes her head. “I was with the algae farm.”

If only the algae farm was an appropriate witness. “Suspect anyone?”

Her eyes flicker downwards and for a moment Raven thinks she’s going to reveal something vital but she just says, “I don’t have anything for you.”

Raven cringes, setting her hand to her forehead as she watches Echo get up and find a faraway place to sit. The silence is ridiculously deafening.

And that was that.

She stood at the front of the large table, all tired eyes on her and she announces, “Two names have been given for consideration.”

“And fuck you all.” Murphy exclaims, ready to fight all of them if necessary and Raven adds, louder, “One of them isn’t Emori.”

Murphy’s anger seems to dissipate at that. “Then who is the other one?”

“The two names in question are Murphy---”

Murphy interrupts by standing, “Should I bow?”

“Shut up and sit down please.” Raven says pointing to the bench like she would to a child who can’t sit still, “The other name is Echo.”

The silence is immediate as all eyes are on Echo and to her credit, she looks completely caught off guard. The reaction, however is not at all what Raven was expecting. The tension rises to an insurmountable peak. Echo suddenly jumps up from the bench, enraged and lunges at Harper, knocking them both to the floor.

\--

Bellamy glared at the keypad as it beeped red at him when he failed at the password _again_. He’d been trying for an hour and now is pointlessly tapping numbers.

“Have you tried 1-2-3-4?” Emori sarcastically supplies.

“You and Murphy really are perfect for each other.”

Not only did he have to find out what’s happening with Raven but he also needed to check the comms. It’s around the time he’d attempt to contact Clarke and he couldn’t be late. What if today was the day? The day she was finally able to communicate back to him. Even if it was one word, he’d take it. Just one word. _Anything_.

He kicks the door uselessly with an exasperated sigh. He even attempts to look for any vents in the vicinity but there are none big enough to even fit his head let alone anything else.

“So, I heard Clarke isn’t dead?” Emori asks and Bellamy glances in her direction to see she’s sitting in one of the squeaky lab chairs with her feet propped up on the table beside her.

“She communicated with us.”

“That’s nice.” Emori adds, flatly and continues after a moment, “I heard you were the only one to hear her.”

Bellamy squints at her and leans against the edge of the desk across the room.  There’s a small porthole window looking out to the void of space he absently eyes every so often.

“Yes and?”

“Weren’t you going a bit…off the deep end around then?” Emori asks and leans back staring at the ceiling.

Bellamy shakes his head, “Clarke communicated with us. She’s alive and she will again.”

“I’m not the only one that thinks you were hearing things.” Emori replies with amusement.

“You and Murphy can think what you like, I really don’t care.”

Emori sits up then, making eye contact with him, “Wasn’t talking about Murphy.”

Bellamy clenches his jaw and says, “So, is this where you try to get a rise out of me?”

“I may be bored but I’m telling the truth. I heard Raven talking with Monty, she doesn’t think you actually heard her after the communications were interrupted. She thinks…” Emori made a circling gesture with her finger towards her head.

Bellamy blinks and looks to the porthole window for distraction. He doesn’t say a word. He’s done feeding this fire.

“Your buttons are easy to press, they all say ‘Clarke’.” Emori replies to the silence. Bellamy says nothing, keeping his eyes on that tiny window. He didn’t need to burden himself with what people thought of him. What was the point? All he needed to do was get back to Earth in a few years’ time. That’s it. He’d be lying to himself though if Emori’s words didn’t stick to him. 

The satisfying click of the door opening claims their attention. Raven appears exhausted on the other side of it.

“Who was it?” Bellamy asks and his eyes slide to Emori.

“For now, Echo. We locked her in one of the empty labs. She attacked Harper.” Raven supplies and looks between the two of them.

Bellamy lifts a brow, “She attacked Harper? What the hell happened?”

“Harper was the one who accused her, I don’t really understand how she knew that though. I need to speak with her again.” Raven sighs and leans against the doorway for support.

“You look like you need rest yourself. I can speak with her.”

Raven laughs at that, “You were the one she poisoned, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Emori interrupts, “Can I go now or do I have to stand here while you two argue?”

Raven motions for her to leave, stepping out of the way and Emori practically runs out of the door.

“If she poisoned me, I’d like to know why and if the O2 was the deciding factor.” Bellamy continues.

“Well if you—” Raven halts. He watches her tired expression suddenly fade into bewilderment as she pushes away from the doorway. “What?” Bellamy questions.

“…is that…?” She asks, looking wide-eyed behind him and he turns following her eye line.

Out of the porthole window into space, Bellamy sees what she sees and his shoulders go rigid. A burgeoning fear in his chest, “What the hell is that?”

Raven pushes by him and he follows her to the round window as they both peer out of it with equal awe-struck faces. Raven quietly says, “That looks like a shuttle.”


	12. Unknown

Raven and Bellamy stare at the speck of white moving slowly towards them through the dark of space. The apprehension is palpable between them. Bellamy didn’t know whether to be fearful of what this could mean or view it as a good omen. Could they have more supplies they could trade? Or did they need help? Help they may not be able to give. They operate in unknowns and it will never not completely terrify him.

“I think it’s headed this way.” Raven replies.

Bellamy squints anxiously, “I guess we are kind of hard to miss.”

Raven shakes her head and eyes him, “It’ll be a while before they are in comms range, what do you want to do?”

Bellamy was so entranced by the speck of a shuttle that it dawns on him about the radio. He dashes from the room without a word and Raven calls after him with abrupt confusion. Monty waves at him as he races by. “You okay, Bellamy?”

Bellamy slides into the doorway of his make-shift comms room and adds, “I’m fine, Harper okay?”

“Yeah, she’s fine.” Monty manages before Bellamy disappears from the doorway. He immediately grabs the receiver and speaks quickly, “Clarke, can you hear me?”

All is quiet. It’s the usual dance. He doesn’t know why he expects every day to somehow be different. The hope is dashed and then rekindled like Prometheus’ liver. He’d always talk to static if it meant she could hear him though, even if he couldn’t hear her.

“I…” He begins and then rests the receiver against his forehead, with his eyes closed. There’s a low hum of static, crackling and waiting for him to continue. He presses his lips together and then releases a quiet breath. “I..still feel your hand over my heart, like a weight. It never left.” His throat is a vise and he can’t form words anymore to articulate any meaning. The static doesn’t grant him reciprocation. It hangs in the air like a reminder.

Spending all that time in the med bay had his mind turned inside out, imagining Clarke trying to get a hold of him when he wasn’t around to hear it. He spent far too much time in his own head these days. He slumps in the chair there, holding the receiver loosely in his palm. He thinks about what Emori said, about Raven believing he was imagining things.

“I heard you.” Bellamy says to the static and it crackles for a moment but doesn’t spark to life.  

Then comes the double knock that Raven does now to announce her presence. “Anything?” She asks his back. There’s pity in her tone, he can hear it clearly even if she didn’t mean to convey it. Bellamy skirts around the question and stands from the seat, the receiver still in his hands. “I’d like to talk to Echo.”

She sighs, “Well you know my opinion on it but if you think you are up for it then I’m not going to argue, have at it.” Raven says with the wave of her hand. She’s frustrated with him, he can tell but he can’t say he blames her. They stand there in that crackling silence for a moment. Raven waits for him to leave so she can take over comms duties while he’s gone.

“What?” She eventually says.

Bellamy sets the receiver down and says quietly, “Nothing.” But he knows Raven can read him well by now. She doesn’t push, she lets him slip by her and into the cold hallway.

\--

Echo is sitting against the wall with her knees up, staring at the ground with indifference. She isn’t open to discussion but he didn’t expect her to be. She’s always been damn near unapproachable.

“Was the motivation the O2 situation?” Bellamy questions and crosses his arms, leaning against an empty desk.

“I have nothing to say.” Echo replies, keeping her eyes locked on the ground.

“I think you do. I think you have a lot to say. Why attack Harper?”

“Why do you think?” She snaps.

Bellamy rests his hands at the edges of the stark desk behind him and asks, “How’d you know it was her that accused you?”

She says nothing and closes her eyes, before setting her head back against the wall. The room is more suffocating then the med bay, with its pristine white and gray surfaces. Bellamy blinks against it, already feeling a headache fast approaching.

“I would bet you’d know the correct amount it would take to kill one of us. So, why poison us in the first place? Can you at least tell me that?”  

Silence.

“I understand that you don’t feel welcome here and that you prefer your own company as opposed to ours but I’m not really seeing a motive here and I don’t think it was because of the O2. You were ready to die before we launched into space, I don’t think the fact that we are running out of O2 bothers you and it definitely doesn’t bother you enough to attempt to kill two of us over it.”

Echo opens her eyes and stares at Bellamy then in silence. He waits in the quiet, keeping the eye contact she granted him. “It’s better this way…” Echo states, her stoic veneer cracking.

“What is?” He prods.

She closes her eyes and doesn’t speak to him again for the rest of the time he occupies the room. After an hour of idly throwing questions and answers at her, he gives up for the time being. If she wanted to stew in it then that was her choice and not much could be done about it right now.

Bellamy steps out into the hallway utterly spent. There’s a ticking in the background like he’s hearing a clock he hadn’t noticed was there. The rest of the sounds are muffled, transient and irrelevant. He swallows and releases a breath slowly until the sound starts to rattle back to life. “…Not like we have anything to offer them.” He hears Murphy say. He spots the group crowded around the large window in the hall and he suspects Raven told them about the shuttle while he’s been gone.

“Maybe they have something to offer us.” Monty replies.

He spots Harper then, leaning against the wall and not bothering to look out of the window with the others. She appears preoccupied, in the deep kind of thought you need to be pulled out of.

“You okay?” Bellamy asks and her head snaps up to him. She’s a little too wide-eyed and edgy.

“I’m fine, just…ya know…tired.” She doesn’t sound very convincing but he wasn’t going to pry. She fidgets and asks, “You doing okay…after that whole thing?”

“I’m managing.” Bellamy says and she gives him a small tight smile. He nods once and leaves her to her thoughts. He enters the comms room, wishing he had a cup of coffee to supply Raven.

“How’s our grounder friend?” Raven asks.

Bellamy walks up beside the chair and Raven blinks tiredly up at him. She looked just as exhausted as he felt. “Something’s off.” He replies.

Raven chuckles tiredly, “She didn’t tell you anything then.”

“She said _‘it’s better this way.’_ ”

“Well I’m glad she’s cozy at least, at least one of us is. You should use this opportunity to get some shut eye, by the way. I can wake you when they are in comms range.”  

“…I don’t think she did it.” Bellamy confesses and Raven lets out a frustrated huff, “Bellamy…I don’t need to hear your ‘people are inherently good’ argument. Let’s not make this complicated. Echo had her reasons.”

Bellamy smiles a little at that and walks over to his cot in the corner which he sits down on. It’s unmade and the blankets are in a haphazard pile. “Shouldn’t you be getting some rest?” Bellamy asks.

“I wasn’t the one poisoned, so no. I’m fine. I’ll wake you when they are in comms range.” Raven insists and he knows when she’s in this mood it’s best not to test her. He collapses onto his bed, staring up at the familiar blank ceiling above him. He listens to the idle hum of the ark surrounding them and the small creak of the chair Raven is sitting in. It’s enough after a while to lull him into slumber.

He didn’t dream of the field or earth this time. There are no trees or grass to lie in, there’s just nothing. The dead silence and blackness that sleep most of the time affords. He felt someone pushing on his chest gently and attempts to open his eyes, thinking it’s Raven and if so, would have been an odd way to wake him. He blinks blurrily above him and sees the tell-tale blurry image of blonde hair. His heart jumps and he blinks quickly, focusing in front of him to see Clarke sitting above him, tapping her hand on his chest. She wasn’t smiling, in fact she looks worried. The knowing kind of worry, like she knows something he’s yet to figure out yet. This had to be a dream.

“Clarke?” He whispers.

“Is this where I exist? In those spaces in between?” She asks and Bellamy rests his hand on top of hers. It felt warm, real.

“What do you mean?” He asks, confusion threading through his features.

“Bellamy…” She recites.

He blinks, the room is too bright. When did it get so bright?

“Hey…Bellamy…” Clarke’s voice morphs into Raven’s.

Raven is suddenly there, where Clarke was a moment ago and he flinches when he realizes it’s Raven’s hand he’s grabbing onto. He releases it and she pulls back with a soft look of concern. “Sorry...” He manages and she doesn’t seem fazed by it, which he’s thankful for. He still feels hazy and the lights in the room have a halo around them that his eyes can’t quite adjust to.

“It’s fine, Bellamy. They’re in comms range, been getting garbled static but I figured you’d want to be awake if they were able to contact us soon or we could hail them.”  She says and steps back, standing from her kneeling position by the bed. He runs a hand over his face and through his unruly hair as he sits up.

“We could contact them.” Bellamy supplies and rests his elbows on his knees, blinking and unable to fully get his bearings.

“You wanna do it? Or me?” Raven asks and Bellamy takes a deep quiet breath.

“I’ll do it.”

Raven is standing there watching him like she wants to ask him a million things at once but she refrains and says instead, “Meet me in the command center then.”

He watches her leave and shuts his eyes tight at her exit. He didn’t know why he felt a deep thrumming unease ripple through him at almost a constant rate. He can sometimes get a hold of the reins and dismiss it as something irrational, that his thoughts were merely _just_ thoughts. Sometimes though, they take hold of him, threatening to pull him into that void that surrounds him.

\--

Bellamy stood in the command center with the others fanning anxiously out behind him. The blinking of the nav system causes Bellamy to squint against the piercing light.

“This is the ark, hailing the shuttle in our vicinity. Do you read us?” Bellamy announces to the open channel, low and loud. 

There’s static again. That goddamn static he’s grown to hate with each new day.

He repeats, louder as if it could make a difference, “This is the ark, hailing the shuttle in our vicinity. Do you read us?”

There’s a spark of life on the comms and a garbled voice but he can’t make out the words. It echoes and fades in the large room.

Raven moves over to where Monty has stationed himself at the front, “Isolate that channel.” She orders.

They wait in bated silence and Bellamy turns back to the others who all eye him with a similar uncertain expression. Even Murphy is silent for once, which sets him on edge.

It crackles loudly and then, “…Ark…D…you read? This is…” Then the static strengthens.

“Dammit, can we clean that up?” Raven exclaims. She leans over Monty, pointing at the bright screen.

“I’m trying.” Monty replies with annoyance.

The comms suddenly blares startling them, “…We’ve run out of food stores, any help would be appreciated. Can you hear us?”

“Oh great…” Murphy says, not wasting time to state his opinion. Raven looks over at Bellamy but makes no move to speak or question the situation. She’s leaving this decision to him.

Bellamy watches the blinking light on the nav system absently. They had food to spare. It was one of the few things they did have to spare and if the crew were to connect a bridge between ships then it could be possible to maintain for trading purposes.

“They could have more O2? At least for our suits.” Bellamy says.

“Should we trust them?” Harper speaks up and Bellamy catches her sheepish expression.

The weight of their stares is almost suffocating and he bulks a little, changing his stance to face away from them. Raven adds, “We meet with them on their shuttle and we decide from there.”

Bellamy glances at her and nods once. “I’ll go.” He states.

“I’ll go too and Monty will maintain comms over here and if anything seems off then we are out of there, understand?”

Murphy interrupts, “All of this for a few O2 tanks they may not even have? They could shoot the two of you and try and take the Ark.”

“That won’t happen.” Bellamy says with the shake of his head and Murphy huffs, “Why because you said so?”

Raven steps up between them, breaking Murphy’s eye contact with Bellamy and says, “Decision has been made unless you want to be the one to go over there.”

Murphy holds up his hand in mock surrender as Raven pushes past him.

“Good luck, Bellamy.” Monty kindly adds and Bellamy nods in acknowledgment.

More unknowns, so many unknowns. They multiply refusing to solve themselves. One unknown leads to another. Bellamy _knows_ he doesn’t have much of a choice but to strap in and endure it until time eventually grants them a reprieve.

He speaks into the comms channel, "Yes, we hear you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are love :) thank you for reading!


	13. Starved

“Wish me luck.” Bellamy speaks into the receiver to an unresponsive Clarke and the static jumps, taking on a life of its own. He waits for the inevitable doubt to trickle in and then the stagnant disappointment. It’s a daily cycle and part of his routine. A routine of saturated emotions. _Smile_ for the others, pretend that his mind isn’t a chasm and feign a sense of purpose.

A clock is ticking far off into the beyond and he blinks against it.

“You ready?” Raven inquires from the doorway. The sound is banished by her presence and he sets the receiver down softly.

“Not exactly.” He says and forces a small laugh. He stands from the chair and turns to face the doorway. Raven meets him with an annoyed glare. “I thought you were supposed to be the one that is convincing me.” She reminds.

“We’ll take turns.” Bellamy says and she shakes her head at him as they head out of the room.

There’s a steady unease that coils itself over his throat as he approaches the airlock doors. The others are crowding around it, watching the shuttle connect a small bridge for travel between vessels. It’s an impressive feat, one that takes a skill that Bellamy doesn’t possess. How precise the aiming has to be for the bridge and how much pressure one has to apply to line it up properly with the Ark are beyond his capabilities.

“Where do you think they’re from?” Raven asks, absently, while they stare out of the airlock window.

“The other side…” Bellamy replies and Raven turns to him then with the raise of her brow.

He smiles a little not taking his eyes off the final clamp as the Ark vibrates from the small insignificant impact. It snaps loudly into place.

“It was nice knowing you.” Murphy replies from behind them and Raven opens the airlock door to where the suits are.

“I’m touched.” Bellamy mocks before stepping inside the small claustrophobic room. Murphy shuts the airlock door behind them and they begin to change into the bulky suits that Bellamy has come to despise.

“You lost weight. Still not eating enough.” Raven quietly claims and Bellamy turns his attention towards her to see that she’s facing away from him and pulling the suit up on her waist.

“Is that so?” He challenges.

“I know I said I’d stop reminding you, Bellamy but maybe think about what Clarke would say?” She questions and pulls the suit onto her arms. Bellamy replicates her actions with his own and asks with soft insistency, “What would she say?”

She turns to him, caught off guard by his tone and blinks at him. He holds out her helmet to her and she takes it before opening her mouth to answer but the sound of the depressurization interrupts her. Bellamy snaps his helmet on, breathing in the stale air left over inside it. The words never come and they stand there in silence as they wait for the airlock door to open to the bridge.

“You guys okay?” Monty’s voice resounds over comms.

“We are good to go, Monty.” Raven replies and Bellamy swallows against the tight material crowding his throat. He’s already sweating from the humidity created by his breath inside the suit. The airlock door opens and all sound is sucked out with it. They walk slowly over the connector platform and onto the bridge. It creaks from their presence and the door to the shuttle looms ahead like a question. They anxiously walk the bridge and the silence does nothing to stop the growing apprehension shared between them. The silence is utterly deafening and he blinks away the sweat that begins to collect in his eyelashes. “I hate these suits.” Bellamy speaks.

“I think you mentioned that.” Raven adds.

“I really hate these suits.” Bellamy repeats.

The airlock door to the shuttle opens and they hesitantly make their way inside. The small room is just like any other airlock and Bellamy didn’t know why he expected it to look different. As if such a small space can appear sinister if the occupants aren’t to be trusted. The door shuts behind them and an automated announcement resounds but is cut off.

“Pressurizat—” Then it crackles and glitches before beeping. Oxygen floods the room and Raven and Bellamy eye each other once their helmets are removed. No one is waiting for them at the airlock door.

“Hello?” Bellamy tries and Raven peeks out of the window.

“No one’s there.” She judges.

There’s loud piercing static that causes them to cringe and then a male voice. “Remove your suits and put the jumpsuits in the room on.” The speaker cuts out.

“They don’t sound too friendly.” Raven comments.

“I guess I wouldn’t trust us either.” Bellamy admits. They begin removing the suits and step barefoot on the frigid floor.

Raven grunts, “Shit, it’s freezing.”  

The air is stale and uncomfortably cold to any exposed skin. They’re already shivering as they slip the jumpsuits on and zip them up. The material is chilled and doesn’t grant them any reprieve.

The door opens on its own and they peer out into the quiet darkened hall. There’s a flashing light towards the end, that basks everything in a red glow. “What the hell happened here?” Raven whispers.

“Looks like emergency lighting but the alarm has been turned off.” Bellamy comments. He wonders idly how long it’s been like this and what exactly caused the shuttle to fall into disrepair.

A door opens down the hallway and Bellamy grabs Raven’s arm to stop her from walking any further. “I don’t like this at all.” Raven looks up towards one of the comms speakers along the wall and says, “Hey! Tell us what the hell is going on here, we aren’t moving.”

They stand there in silence waiting in the eerie flashing red. It paints Raven’s skin and makes her eyes appear black against it. A skinny figure steps out of the doorway and says weakly, “Come inside…please. We don’t mean you any harm.”

He disappears back inside the doorway. They cautiously make their way down the crimson corridor and follow him into the room. The room they enter in is a small kitchen area where the crew would gather to eat. Plates, cups, and rags are strewn about unorganized across the table and shelves. The place is a depressing mess evident from struggle and grief.

The man before them is unhealthily skinny, his eyes gaunt, his face sunken in. He stares at them with weak resolve, fearful. He’s afraid of them. Bellamy eyes him with silent sympathy as the man sits down in a metal chair.

“Forgive me for the mess…it’s been a difficult journey.” He says, softly.

“Where are your crew?” Bellamy asks, reluctantly.

“There are three more of us. One is locked in his quarters and the other two are resting. We’ve been scarce on supplies for some time. My name is James, by the way.”  He says and the dark circles under his eyes stand out against the bright fluorescents.

“I’m Raven and this is Bellamy. Why is one of your crew locked in his quarters?” Raven inquires and the hollowed look of despair paints itself across James’ expression.

“He lost his resolve, tried to hurt us. Is there any possible way you could help us?” James asks and he looks up at them with a desperate hope. Bellamy feels like his chest is slowly caving in from it.

“We have food we can spare.” Bellamy relieves and James nods with a small tight smile.

“May we travel to your station?” He asks politely and Bellamy blanches. He exchanges a slow look of worry with Raven.

Raven answers, “We can bring you the food. Do you happen to have any O2 tanks we can take off your hands?”

“If it’s about trust, what can we do to abate that?” He asks and his sincerity appears genuine but that wasn’t really the issue at hand.

“One second.” Bellamy says and walks out into the hall as Raven quickly follows after him.

She grabs his arm as he faces the incessant blinking light, “Bellamy…”

He sighs, “I know…”

“We can’t. We already have to go back a year earlier because of the oxygen depletion with the number of people we have on board now.”

“It isn’t possible, I know. We should get the food.” Bellamy answers glumly. There isn’t any need to argue. Bellamy agreed with Raven, there would be no possible way to add anyone to their crew and survive. They return to James who looks frail and expectant and Bellamy watches Raven deflate a little.

“We can’t spare the O2 to allow another occupant on board. I’m sorry, but we do have the food to give to you.” Bellamy replies and he watches James’ face fall inexorably.

“We have a year of oxygen left…” James whispers and slowly stands from his chair, “We have nothing to give you or trade. I really am sorry.”

“I’m…” Bellamy starts and then presses his lips together before Raven interrupts.

“We’ll get you that food we have to spare.”

James nods once and moves towards the hallway, “I’ll be waiting. Thank you both so much.”

The silence he leaves them in is suffocating.

\--

Raven and Bellamy are quiet on the walk back to the Ark, even with Monty’s stream of questions as they enter the airlock. Bellamy flings the helmet a little harder than he intended and rips off the bulky suit.

“At least we have the food to spare…” Raven comments.

“They’re dying and we can only help prolong the inevitable.” He snaps and he isn’t angry at Raven. There’s a resounding defeat in his tone that’s been there since he left Clarke to die on Earth.

Raven is calm and cold in her wording, “What are you saying? That we don’t give them the food?”

Bellamy turns to her, his eyes wild and hair a sweaty mess from the helmet. “No. That’s not what I’m saying.”

“You do know Murphy will probably present that argument, that it will be a waste.” Raven concludes and crosses her arms. The suit is still resting on her hips and she looks utterly exhausted.

Bellamy clenches his jaw and asks, “Is that what you think?”

The airlock door opens before she can give him her opinion. It releases them back into the equally stale air of the Ark. The others are gathered at the door and exchanging looks of perplex uncertainty with one another.

“Everyone should go to the command center. We’ll brief you there.” Bellamy adds, shakily. He watches their retreating backs down the long corridor. He slowly makes his way down the bright white hall after they’ve scattered and leans in the doorway to his room, calming his breathing.

There’s a loud scream of static and then “C-n ---ou hear me?”

His breath gets caught in his throat as he rushes over to the receiver. “Clarke? Is that you?”

Then clear, crystal clear. “I’m hoping the new frequency helps boost my failed attempts.”

It’s _her_.

Bellamy feels his eyes begin to burn and the shaking in his hands only heightens, “Clarke…can you hear me?”

There’s a piercing static again and he squints against the offending noise that follows.

“Where’d you go?” She asks, almost wistfully.

“Can you hear me?!” Bellamy tries and his heart is threatening to burst open.  

Then nothing. The link is silent.

“Clarke?” He calls again and fiddles with the receiver.

Silence.

“GODDAMMIT!” Bellamy yells and the receiver slips from his palm, cracking against the ground below his feet. His eyes widen in desperation. “No. No, no no no.”

He falls to his knees studies the cracked pieces of the broken receiver feeling a light-headed dread. This is fixable, it has to be. He’s done this before, how many times has the receiver actually been fixed?

“It’s not that bad.” He says to the receiver, examining the crack.

“What is?” Comes Ravens voice from behind him. He turns blinking away the sweat and her expression falls. “Jesus, Bellamy, what’s happened?” She asks.

She moves towards him slowly and kneels as if he can spook away from her easily.

“I could hear Clarke, but the comms cut out. This is fixable, right?” He asks breathlessly and she watches him with that open pitiable expression that grates on him. She takes it slowly from his hand, keeping her eyes trained on him out of concern and then examines the receiver.  He leans back on the floor, pressing his back to the legs of the chair.

“Yes. I can fix it, no big deal. You heard Clarke?” Raven questions and he forces himself to stand, he didn’t want to see the uncertainty in her eyes. The conversation with Emori comes to mind but he knew bringing that up now wouldn’t be wise.

“Yes, I did.” He replies quietly and looks to the comms station. The silence that follows mocks him.

“That’s a good thing.” Raven says and he can hear the suspicion in her voice.

“I dropped the receiver.” Bellamy states and keeps his eyes focused on the blinking light on the dash.

“As I said, no big deal, it’s happened before. What did Clarke say?” Raven asks and he hears her stand from her kneeling position behind him.

“She’s trying a new frequency.”

He can hear the small smile in her voice, “That’s really good, Bellamy. I hope that means you’ll be able to communicate with her soon.”

He turns around to face her again and the pity remains in her eyes. He rests his hand on the back of the chair to provide balance. She continues, “…the situation with the shuttle needs to be addressed.”

Bellamy nods once, understanding and she appears as though she wants to say something else but at the last minute decides against it. She slowly makes her way out of the room and he shuts his eyes against the bright.

\--

“You look like shit.” Murphy comments as Bellamy moves to stand in front of the group in the command center. There’s a small wailing high pitch scratching sound that’s muffled from the nav system. The sound of it crawls inside his skull.

Bellamy ignores the distractions, “There are four people that crew the shuttle. Raven and I met with a man named James who told us that they are starving and only have a year of oxygen left. It’s an impossibility that they are able to join us but we will provide them food for the time being.”

Murphy scoffs and Bellamy waits with gritted teeth for his harsh opinion.

Raven interrupts before he can, “I understand the argument can be made that it would be wasting food but we can spare it. I’ve calculated the projections of food store usage and they far exceed our time we will be on the Ark.”

“And what’s that? How many years of food do we have?” Murphy asks and crosses his arms, ready for a fight.

“Seven years, it’s more than enough.” Raven replies with confidence and Murphy wobbles his head as if he’s trying to think of another way to get under her skin.

“We will give them some of our food.” Bellamy demands, coolly and no one else says a word against it.

 He doesn’t let the thoughts of future dilemmas this could cause swim to the forefront of his mind. All and all though, he’d be lying if said this whole thing didn’t set him on edge. Tensions are high and it’d only get worse as time moved ever onward.  


	14. Counting On It

**_-Before-_ **

**_‘All I think about every day is how we’re going to keep everyone alive, but we don’t have a choice.’_ **

_The sky released a gentle smattering of rain that latches onto the tree tops. Bellamy and Clarke sit, bloodied, exhausted and covered in mud against a trunk of a tree. The reprieve is small but it’s enough that Bellamy can begin to make sense of the storm raging in his head. He moves his hand in the mud beside him and brushes against Clarke’s fingers. She doesn’t flinch or move away. He pretends he’s too exhausted to notice how her fingers twitch comfortably from the slight overlap of their hands._

_He can see her looking at him in his periphery and his chests constricts from the scrutiny. What was this? These times in the silence when too much passes, unsaid in feigned ignorance. This feeling creates a nest in his throat and it should frustrate him, considering they assimilated only out of necessity. She was the privileged after all, she had just been a wrist band._

_Bellamy turns his head to meet her eyes and she blanches from the sudden change in tension. It’s a challenge. He’s challenging her but he doesn’t know exactly why. She accepts it and studies his face with an open, albeit, unreadable expression. There’s a dangerous awareness to her eyes as if she recognizes more than he does. He wants her to spill her thoughts out into the mud to him, he wants to take every single one and plant them in his skull. He didn’t understand why then, not yet. It’s too early to tell when one heart begins to wrap vines around another._

_“We’ll figure this out.” She says as if to fill the chasm of silence._

_“I hope so.” Bellamy replies and she nods at him, resolute._

_“We’ve been fighting our whole lives, Bellamy. This is what we’re used to.”_

_Bellamy breaks eye contact when the heaviness starts to fill him to the brim. There’s too much he can’t make sense of._

_His voice wavers, “…don’t you get tired of it?”_

_They didn’t have childhoods to ponder or look back fondly on. The happiness they found in between the dark has always been temporary and incorporeal. The likeness and perserverance in each other is all they had. Octavia had been all Bellamy had for so long and to find solace in another scares the hell out of him._

_She reaches out and touches his arm to ground him, to get him to look at her again but he can’t. He keeps his eyes forward towards those dark trees fanning out in front of them. They are blurred images, fleeting and meaningless._

_“But that’s what it’s all about.” Clarke moves closer and scrapes her clothing against the bark. “Look at me, Bellamy.”_

_Now, he didn’t have a choice. He had to turn to meet her eyes and when he does he releases a quiet breath at the empathy he finds there._

_“It’s all about the struggle, it’s where we find meaning.” Clarke whispers._

_Years from then, those words and that voice would haunt Bellamy Blake in the deep void of space._

_\--_

**-Present-**

“Bellamy….”

Bellamy can feel a gentle push on his shoulder and the incessant voice that isn’t Raven’s. He blinks his eyes open to Harper’s blurry face above him. She steps back to give him room to wake and he scrunches up his face in the unavoidable assault the bright lights provide. Hadn’t anyone heard of knocking?

“What…what is it?” Bellamy stumbles and forces himself to sit up.  He rests his head in his hands, feeling pressure on his arm where Clarke had rested her fingers those years ago, as if the memory had just occurred.

“I need to talk to you.” Harper’s words are heavy hearted and Bellamy isn’t awake enough to deal with whatever it is.

“I’m listening.” He says anyway.

“It was me.” She says in a rush. He moves his hands away from his face and blinks at her, processing her statement.

“You?” Bellamy tries but he knows. He knows what she means and somehow it didn’t surprise him.

“I was the one that poisoned the food…oh god…I’m so sorry…I never…I didn’t mean for it to poison you. I think there was a mix up with the food dishes and before I could do anything about it….I…I am so sorry. Echo…she saw me do it.” Harper words fall out onto him like a weight in a jumble. There are tears now springing in her eyes and cascading down her cheeks.

“Whoa…whoa…” Bellamy says and holds up his hands as her breathing becomes erratic. “Who exactly were you _trying_ to poison?”

“Murphy and Emori. I didn’t know what I was doing. I just thought…I thought about the O2 and about how they don’t contribute much to workload, they’re always complaining and I didn’t want to suffocate because of them. I didn’t.”

“Jesus…Harper.” Bellamy breathes and Harper wipes away her wet face with the palms of her hands.

“What do you want me to do? I’ll do anything.” Harper desperately replies.

“None of us is going to suffocate. We are all going to make it back home and no one deserves to be floated or poisoned because of it.” Bellamy states harshly.

He spots Raven appear in the open doorway and she watches them perplexed. Bellamy stands from the bed and Harper keeps her eyes on the empty floor beneath her shoes. “I need to talk to Raven, stay here.” He tells her and Bellamy lightly taps Raven’s shoulder to get her to follow him into the hallway.

“What’s that about?” Raven asks, quirking a brow.

“Harper is the one that poisoned the food and blamed it on Echo because Echo saw her do it. She meant it for Murphy and Emori.” Bellamy bluntly confesses and Raven steps back from the onslaught of the implication.

“Harper? You’ve gotta be kidding me…” Raven replies and pinches the bridge of her nose. “What do you want to do?”

Bellamy eyes her and then whispers, “lock her up until the situation calms down. The others should know so they don’t attack Echo when she’s released but…”

Raven sighs and continues for him, “But Murphy and Emori.”

Bellamy nods, “They’re unpredictable and Monty…”

Raven releases an exasperated grunt, “I hate this.”

\--

To say that informing the group of this predicament didn’t go well, would be an understatement. Murphy and Emori lash out and Monty lashes back. Bellamy has to pull Monty off of Murphy twice before the meeting is up but Monty being the more reasonable of the two, didn’t blame Bellamy or Raven for what they had to do, as long as they allowed him to speak with Harper.

“She should float!” Murphy yells for the third time.

It’s Bellamy’s turn to snap under the pressure. He pushes Murphy up against the solid wall behind the nav system and grits in his face, “No one is floating anyone.”

Murphy smirks at him darkly and says, “Well she wasn’t trying to murder you, was she?”

Bellamy pushes off of him and steps back, running his hand through his sweaty hair. Raven peers at the two of them with an old exhaustion. “Luckily, no one was killed. What Harper did was wrong but we aren’t going to exact the same punishment our families had to live in fear of. We aren’t going to be those people.”

That seems to calm Murphy a little even if the smirk remained on his face like a permanent fixture.

But Murphy isn’t done. “I bet if Clarke were here she’d float little miss Harper and you’d fall in line, you’d give a speech about how it’s a necessary evil.”

Bellamy closes his eyes against it, shaking his head without a response.

“Clarke is dead. We all know it. Even Raven and we pretend because we don’t want to hurt Bellamy’s feelings. You’ve lost it and I’m so fucking tired of pretending your insanity doesn’t exist. We all see it. How many times have we repeated the same conversations?”

Raven’s quiet voice comes next as a plea, “Bellamy..”

Emori adds, drowning her out, “What does a dog do without his owner?”

Bellamy’s anger rises above the threshold in which he can tolerate, it boils over and spills out into the room in a wild flurry. As if everything Bellamy has pent up inside him reveals itself. His fist connects with Murphy’s jaw and they topple together to the cold floor. Murphy tries in vain to retaliate but Bellamy overpowers him and connects his fist again with his face. He can hear faint yelling; protests from Raven and Emori. “You lef..t her to die…” Murphy splutters. He lifts his fist and brings it down again and again and again. He can feel the tug on his shoulders and the stinging punch from Emori’s knuckles against his cheek. He lifts his bloodied fist again. There’s a feral fury beneath his dark eyes that slowly dissipates when he sees the mess that is Murphy’s face. Murphy coughs up blood beside him, one of his eyes completely swollen shut. The sound comes rushing back in like the floodgates have been opened.

Raven successfully drags Bellamy by his shoulders off of Murphy and he goes willingly. She’s screaming his name and he just keeps his eyes locked on Murphy. Emori blocks his view now, assessing the damage. He waits for her to tear towards him, which she does and Raven steps in the way. It’s Emori that punches Raven this time and Monty just sits there watching it all with a defeated exhaustion. Raven retaliates, collapsing with Emori beside Murphy and tries to calm her by holding Emori’s fists above her head.  Bellamy blinks, his hands shaking, his senses regaining as he hobbles to stand.

The rage is slow to evaporate from Emori but Raven keeps her held there; the room filled with harsh gasping breaths.

“We’re never going to make it another three years up here.” Monty coldly states as he steps over tired limbs and leaves the command center.

Bellamy stumbles out of the door not long after him and flexes his injured fist on the short walk to the comms room. Once inside he leans against the wall and then slides down to the floor. His legs are stretched in front of him and he sets his bloody hand against his thigh.  He stares ahead absently at his messy bed. His eyes burn and the tears slide down his cheeks, uninvited. He closes his eyes and wets his eyelashes against them. He still feels Clarke’s grip on his arm like a burn and he sets his hand there against the pressure. She’s branded in his skin.

Perhaps he has lost it, the moment he left Earth would have been the origin point of his loss.

“Bellamy..” Raven’s soft voice speaks from the doorway and he looks over at her, not bothering to cover his tears. What’s the point?

“Is Murphy..?” Bellamy asks and Raven answers, “He’s going to be okay.”

Bellamy nods once and bites his lip.

“What about you? Need to bandage that hand.” Raven continues and Bellamy holds her eyes.

“You think I’ve lost my mind.” Bellamy states quietly and she shakes her head immediately.

“I don’t think you’ve lost your mind, Bellamy.”

Bellamy tilts his chin and swallows, “You and Monty think I’m hearing things.”

Raven sighs and sits on the floor in front of him, resting her hands in her lap. She has a bruise on her cheek where Emori hit her. “The only time Clarke seems to contact you as of late is when you’re alone and I had my suspicions that the stress and lack of sleep was getting to you. Hell, you’d have those same suspicions about me too but I don’t think you’re insane…you want to know what I think?”

Bellamy nods and looks away as a tear escapes from his chin.

“You love her. You love Clarke, Bellamy and you are so terrified for her. The not knowing would eat away anyone’s resolve. You blame yourself for leaving but she wanted you to. She needs you to keep breathing as much as you need her to keep breathing. I’ve never seen anything like it…” Raven huffs a small laugh, wistful and melancholy as she continues, “the two of you together can shape the world and being split apart from that kind of force of nature is in itself unnatural. This separation isn’t permanent. Soon the two of you will see each other again and the both of you will be what brings us together again. I know it. I believe in it and I hope you do too.”

Bellamy releases a heavy breath and his eyes blur. Raven is just a smudge as she reaches out and wraps her arms around him in a tight embrace. He rests his chin on her shoulder, the words refusing to arrive on his tongue. “You’ll find each other again. The world is counting on it.” Raven whispers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter tied up some loose ends to get ready for another small time jump in the next, which causes more problems amongst the group :P and gets us closer and closer to the Bellarke reunion <3


End file.
